How the Family Members of Addicts Become DysfunctionalHow the Family Members of Addicts Become Dysfunctional by Ken P Nobody escapes paying the price for alcoholism, drug addiction, and codependency in society. Even if you are fortunate enough not to be a drinker at a level that is diseased, (about 10% of our population drinks enough to hamper their daily performance) or one of the four adults who are in line daily enabling one who is (i.e., 48% of all adults over the age of 18 were either directly impacted by a diseased drinker as they grew up, or are being effected at the moment), then you are paying for the disease through higher taxes and insurance rates. Those Saturdays start like this. “You guys just go ahead and go. I have to stay home with this headache.” The reasons for the headache are as diverse as the alcoholic’s imagination, but whenever she manages to shift her guilt to anybody else (usually her husband and/or kids), she makes them responsible instead of her alcoholism. And they all accept the terms! “She is mad at me because of the fight we had last night when I said that awful thing about her mother.” The oldest daughter, who is probably in the super-enabler role, might interpret this as; “Mom is upset this morning because I didn’t do enough of the housework yesterday.” Little brother, who might be in the disappearing child or mascot role might translate; “Mommy is mad because I wet the bed again last night and she has to stay home to wash the sheets.” The important truth that they all must ignore is that none of their guilt-ridden reasons apply. Their mother and wife has gone months now without feeling good. She hurts inside…physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. She lives in a world parallel to that of her husband, where the single goal each moment is to minimize pain. But for her part, she has the added burden of minimizing the pain while planning every event to coincide with her need for the security she knows only the bottle can provide. “The need is more than merely physical: it’s psychic and visceral and multi-layered. There’s a dark fear to the feeling of wanting that wine, that vodka, that bourbon: a hungry abiding fear of being without, being exposed without your armor. In (AA) meetings you often hear people say that by definition, an addict is someone who seeks physical solutions to emotional or spiritual problems. I suppose that’s an intellectual way of describing that brand of fear, and the instinctive response that accompanies it: there’s a sense of deep need, and the response is a grabbiness, a compulsion to latch onto something outside of yourself in order to assuage some deep discomfort.” (PP 58) So the whole family is in the tight grip of the lady’s deep need for alcohol. That is why program people call it “a family disease.” The great lie, the great secret kept by everybody, is that the lady of the house is an alcoholic. The issue is beyond a moral question, beyond shame. It is an absolute. It is refusal by everyone in the family to be willing to admit this truth, even deep within themselves. This refusal perpetuates everybody’s pain. “You are broke all of the time because you keep buying things you don’t need with money you don’t have trying to impress people you don’t know!” If you recognize yourself or someone you love int his description of a dysfunctional family, THERE IS HELP! Call Al-Anon or Nar-A-Non to learn where there are meetings right in your community...right now! Al-Anonis at 1-888-4AL-ANON. Nar-A-Non is at 1-800-477-6291. |