For the past five years I have lived with a Narcissist and not even known narcissism existed. Basically since the time I met my husband, I have lost everything that is me. I truly have lost myself and ceased to exist, except to make him happy. The explanation to myself was that this is what love is. Not being envious; being patient; not being unkind… I have learnt to focus on him and forget my needs and my desires! As I write, I begin to understand how to deal with this complex.

My time with this man has been absolute and total torment (with a capital T)! Yet, I have seen the good in him. He has been a good provider for the material goods that have made my life easier. Through this I have learnt to love him and tried my utmost to respect him and have believed that I would indeed one day respect him once there was less of me and more of him!

Over the length of these years, I have disappeared to a place of acceptance that there was something wrong with me! This is how it should be. It no longer mattered that I may have had emotional needs that have never been met. It also did not matter that everything he did for me carried a price.

I have arrived at a place where my daily ablutions require all my strength! In this place, my thoughts are irrational and erratic. Most times I cannot remember what I have forgotten. My personal hygiene has become my daily cross to bear. There are no words that can explain the courage it takes for me to simply step into the shower and clean myself. My dental health, too, has declined to living with the consequences of brushing/cleaning my teeth every ‘now and again’, but more again than now!

The ‘old me’ was outgoing and ready for any challenge. Firstly, my freedom of movement was taken away from me. He is (still) extremely jealous. One of my favourite activities was karaoke. As a child, I often dreamed of being a famous singer! When I discovered karaoke at my local pub, this almost became a reality. In fact, I was famous at ye olde pub! As our relationship grew, my so-called singing career came to an abrupt end. He was not at all happy with the attention I received. I gave it all up.

Narcissism was a word that I associated with those that ‘love themselves excessively’. My understanding as to why he was as he was was that he needed to learn to love himself and that he needed the constant reassurance of his capabilities and so on. I did not grasp that he was narcissistic.

Research via the internet revealed the following symptoms:

grandiosity / exaggeration
fantastic thinking / romantic
believes special / unique
requires admiration
entitled / demanding
exploitive / manipulative
lacks empathy
envious / jealous
arrogant / haughty

Wow! Double Wow!

I read these words as though they had been written by an expert on him.

Indeed, I have now graduated with a master’s degree on “how to NOT deal with someone who has the ‘it’s all about me’ complex“!

When he has exaggerated on the importance of his position at his place of employment, I have praised him further. Perhaps I should have not even have responded to his words?

The times he has verbalised a romantic evening for the two of us, I have agreed that it all sounded wonderful. What I now believe I should have done, was to tell him to put his words into practice?

I have endured hours of listening to how unique he is at work. No one else has accomplished the expertise that he has arrived at! Maybe I should have asked him how the company existed before he was employed? (… but that would have been nasty?)

Further billions of seconds have passed before my eyes, as he has demanded admiration of what an amazing husband he has been and will always be. No other woman has been as blessed as I have been. He helps with the cooking and cleaning and provides for my every need! Would it have made a difference to let him know that many other men do the same? (… without sounding ungrateful?)

One of his greatest accomplishments has been that he has demanded and received my attention at the expense of the relationship between my daughter and myself. He is the only one I can turn to in times of good and bad. Would it not have been better to let him know that ‘no man is an island’?

Recognition that he is a master of manipulation only came to me a few hours ago! If I had identified this fact, would it not have made a difference to my appearance today?

Those of us around him should be thankful for the hurts in our lives and realise that these are the things that make us stronger! Of course we should, but a little empathy would have gone a long way.

Achievements. The feigned smile that has greeted my accomplishments should not have doused my enthusiasm for the ensuing pursuit of improving me to be the best person I can be.

His contempt of others should not have been fuelled by my attitude of subservience to the one that never errs!

I have added a word to the top of the above list: LIE. To tell lies. Always, I strongly feel, confront them with the truth.

Dealing with narcissism is not to be undertaken lightly! The first step is recognition. Does this phrase not describe the beginning of success in almost every aspect of what we know to be ‘this thing called Life’?

Narcissism is a personality disorder, I believe, and does not necessarily mean that the one inflicted with it is not a good person. Give praise, where praise is due and be honest when it is not due. Achieving the balance between honesty and support will bring a large amount of success, in my opinion.

Once you have identified ‘the love of him/herself’, you will need to believe in yourself before you can even begin to contemplate dealing with such a person. With the ingredient of love in a given relationship you should not fuel their excessive self-admiration and self-centeredness.

To understand the distinction between narcissism and loving oneself will assist you greatly in this quest.