Conditioning, Behavior, and Love

I am taking the time to write about a subject that needs attention in our culture.  This is the subject of roles that men and women get caught up in everyday.  These roles have become a part of our lives, and have been passed from generation to generation without all of us actually looked at how these roles impact us in relationships.

There is a new era that needs to come to light, and I feel that it will in the near future.  The fact is that this change has to take place.  There is so much that needs to change for relationships to flourish in bliss.  This is the reason that we get into relationships in the first place.  We want to love, and we want to be loved more than anything in this world.  As I view it, this is what is good in this world.  Love, honor, and respect are what keep people from further destroying the very earth that supports us in life.

But again, change needs to take place, and there is no better moment than the present to instill this needed change.  But change is scary, how do align ourselves with something that is needed, without knowing how?  There’s a conditioning process that takes place in our culture that shapes the mind of boys, and boys eventually become men.  In our culture there is a set of conditions that boys conform to.  These conditions, or ideas, seem to be the very root of the problem that is facing us.  Yes, in a real sense, we are killing ourselves.

The role of conditioning

For a moment, take a look around.  Look at the news reports, the television shows, and the countless movies that seem to dictate, and condition our actions as men.  The first thing that I’m asking we look at is the thoughts that come to light due to this bombardment of entertainment.  Our thoughts and actions are linked.  Once we begin to think about the very elements of what entertains us, we also begin to align ourselves with which we give the majority of our attention.  Taking entertainment into account, really think about what it is that you watch, and how the many roles of this entertainment shapes the way we view ourselves, our roles, and others in our lives.  With television in mind, think about the roles of the leading men.  So many times, these leading men are leading our children down a very dark path.  We see the violence in our culture that includes the numerous school shootings, suicides, and, if we look, we can see a pattern emerging.

However, the media doesn’t want to take responsibility for the offenses against humankind, so where does the blame lie?  It seems that in many respects it is a paradox of sorts.  It starts at home, just as much as it starts with anything.  The key to ending a cycle starts where the cycle begins, and ends where it ends.  This ending may just as well be in the beginning.  If there are no viewers to the shows, and movies, then these influences with eventually be drawn out from the public.

Now I’m not completely condemning the media, nor am I condemning the viewers.  However, there seems to be a well documented connection that runs in circles.  The first thing to look at is the age that children are subjected to this conditioning.  It also seems that younger viewers are much more susceptible to the array of images that are placed before them.  Bell Hooks mentions a lot of this in her book,The Will to Change.  Her book takes an interesting look at some of the focus that creates men, and shows that aligning with this false self, or “ego,” is the path to follow.

Men

I’m not saying that men are bad, or won’t change.  I can’t say everything overly negative.  I am a man!  I feel the problem is that men are afraid of change, and really don’t understand quite how to go about this process.  For one thing, many men worry that people will judge them very harshly if they admit to controlling behavior.  This is a real fear!  They feel as if they will lose the respect of those close to them in the event that they even notice their own behavior, which it seems that many do not.  If they want to change, where do they go?  Are they going to be damned, put down, or thrown away?  If so, then there is not going to be many men willing to go the distance.  So we create men in a sense, but condemn them for acting upon the thoughts of conditioning.

There is also another factor that I’ve found in my own life, as well as through my searching, which is a fear of opening up and being visible.  If men are open, they are also vulnerable to a degree.  This is one of the reasons that walls are up in the first place.  If men are open, they are subject to the pain of being rejected and hurt.  Most men just don’t realize that once they put that false self or “ego” aside for long enough, that some pain is really worth the cost of truly living.  Men and women both have a need for love.  But many men, and some women, don’t see that these walls that the ego puts in place are the very reason that they are not able to truly love in the first place.  They spend much of their time hiding behind walls that may indeed protect them from hurt, but also shields them from love.

Women

In my opinion, some women also feed into the mix.  Again, I’m not saying all women, but some do seem to align themselves with this very false notion of what a man is, or should be.  I feel that women in general dislike a controlling man.  Many very much hate the idea of male dominance, but at the same time believes dominance equals power.  How can a kind and gentle man be the type of man that defends, and protects me?  I feel that this is where another paradox seems to lie.  The truth is that love is power.  Gentleness, and kindness, is also powerful.  As a matter of heart, these emotions are much more powerful then any kind of false power derived from the controlling essence of the ego.

Most men and some women don’t view love as power.  They believe the power is in the male state of dominance and control.  To me, there is nothing further from the truth.  A man, or woman that is in touch with pure love, has much more power at there disposal in the event of a crisis.  Personally, I know that I would defend my wife with every last drop of life giving force within my being, but also understand that this is rarely necessary.

Change

Change is needed now!  Romance needs to be brought into relationships!  I feel that the only way this is going to happen is if communication is placed in the center, and both partners take down these walls that are the very reason that inhibits love, trust, and connections to begin with.  Really start to get in touch with yourself, and each other.  It’s never too late to realize the good in each other.  Trust me, once the good is out and the walls are down, true love is able to flourish as never before, and once the good gets moving, it’s hard to stop it!

Eric Todd Forth

mysweetbooks.com

8/22/08