Anger: Friend or Foe?Anger management or Decreasing anger

Is anger an uncomfortable emotion for you? Do you tend to deny and repress it because you have been socialized to believe it is not good to be angry? Emotions are neither good nor bad they just exist and you do not have control over them. The control you do have is deciding what to do with your anger. You can use it as an instrument of destruction or you can learn from it and use it for transformation.  When you are habitually angry, you become used to this level of stimulus and actually desire more anger in order to maintain homeostasis.  You unconsciously look for more stimuli to feed the anger which takes up your energy and deprives you of the ability to experience your life fully.

Below are some common responses to anger that can keep you stuck. As you read them see if one of them is your "weapon of choice".

Do you tend to blame others?This happens when you approach another with the posture that "you are the reason that I am angry". You want to review this dynamic and see if it is a pattern that occurs in most of your relationships. If so, ask yourself is it a learned behavior? Is this how your parent's treated you or treated others? Are you angry from constantly denying your own needs and giving too much? Unattended, unobserved anger is dangerous because you can internalize it and create self loathing or you can spread it unknowingly and hurt others through passive aggressive behavior or by over reacting.

Psychoanalyzing and moralizingis a second way you may respond when angry. You know that you are doing this when you use that famous phrase "I would never do that". This form of judgment might help you to understand and accept a person but often it creates a sense of self righteousness and increases anger.  You need to accept people as they choose to be; and trust that people are doing the best that they can do.    Acceptance does not mean that you become a door mat and allow people to abuse you. Your anger may be justified and may be a red flag telling you that you need to pay attention to mistreatment and set healthyboundaries.You just do not have to whip yourself into a rage in order to be empowered; you are entitled to set limits using a calm, matter of fact statement.

Venting angeris a technique that can initially make you feel great. Venting gained popularity as a therapeutic technique because it was thought to release anger. Psychologists have since discovered that while it appears to be cathartic, it will actually harden the anger and exacerbate it because it creates a tighter knot of fury and justification.  While it is important to feel anger and talk about it, you want to let it go as quickly as possible because holding on to it can be toxic. While venting feels good and is seductive, it is also dangerous because while it helps you to feel justified about a slight or abuse, it also keeps you stuck.

If you are someone who is habitually angry, would you like to change? In order to increase peace and harmony in your life, you may want to try the following antidotes:

Abandon thoughts to change others.Try to practice the Serenity Prayer "to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference". The reality is that you have no control over others. The only control that you have is with your own response to situations and other people. As you let go of your belief that you can change another, you will release your frustration resulting in more energy and be freer to live the life you desire.

Abstain from anger–The shows you watch, the wordsyou use, the people with whom you spend time can unknowingly feed your fury, as you unconsciously take in negative energy.  Become conscious of negative people, situations, books or shows. Pay attention to your language since our culture uses "anger terminology" unnecessarily, i.e. "Killing two birds with one stone". Develop a positive affirming language because your words become reality and it will improve your disposition on life.

Practice Gratitude– It is hard to be angry when you are feeling grateful. Every day, be on the alert for a positive image that you can reflect on before you fall asleep. It might be the beauty of nature or a kindness that was given to you that day. Part of your ritual each night could be to pause and remember one good thing that you noticed that day. This memory will help you to relax and fall asleep in a happier state of mind.

Practice breath work– Begin to breathe into the count of five, pause and exhale to the count of six. As you continue your breath, quiet your mind and focus on the moment. Continue to take deep abdominal breaths and imagine becoming filled with light and love. After a few minutes of centering breath, allow any dilemma or "negative" feeling to come within you and slowly breathe out the anger and tension. Do this a number of times. You will notice as you "let go of the outcome", you will become calmer and freer and your anger is replaced with a sense of detachment and compassion.

Sing, Dance and, Move-Music and movement are effortless ways to change emotional energy. Develop a play list of songs that reflect your different moods. Blast the appropriate song as you sing at the top of your lungs and dance around. If you are agitated, listen to songs that sing about anger, like the Dixie Chicks "I'm Not Ready to Be Nice" and from the play Funny Girl "Don't Rain on My Parade".  Once you have sung them enough to shift your mood, listen to songs that make you feel empowered or happy, like Queen "Don't Stop Me Now", or Michael Bubble "Feeling Good".  Begin to shake off the feelings as you continue to sing and dance around.

In her book, Why People Don't Heal, Carolyn Myss states that you hang on to your anger because you have become used to the feeling and become attached to it. The danger is that being stuck in anger limits potential because you become controlled by the pain of angry feelings. In order to let go and become a more contented person, you need to embrace what you feel, as you examine the dynamics, then move on.Allow your anger, to become your teacher and learn from it, as you develop a sense of control and mastery.

"Your anger is your crying baby. You must pay attention to it"( ?sa=t&source=web&oi=video_result&ct=res&cd=4&ved=0CB4QtwIwAw&url= ?v=aubF7v-MlMM&ei=_4imS6yOEoa8lQf5nMzFCA&usg=AFQjCNHRr9iN6SnS9nHQihimAxZyvA_zkw&sig2=abl3Pe62pPtDrvAfsRwIAw" Thich Nhat Hanh )