Many of the people who find my blog do so because they absolutely don't want a divorce and they want to save their marriage at all costs.  I often get emails that say things like: "My spouse wants a divorce. How can I stop this? What if I refuse to sign the divorce papers? What if I dodge being served?  How can I stop this process?  Can I deny them a divorce?"

First off, I'm by no means an attorney and the law varies from state to state. Refusing service or not signing the papers are really legal issues that you should talk about with your attorney. However, it's my opinion that pretending that it's not happening won't make it go away.  In many states, it's my understanding that all that refusing to sign the papers will get you is a default divorce.  In some states, you have a certain amount of time to file an answer to their petition.  And, if you don't respond, they can ask the judge to default you for your lack of response.  So, essentially, not answering or refusing to be served can ultimately result in a divorce anyway.  In my opinion, this is a very faulty strategy, but of course this is a topic to discuss with an attorney.  I'll tell you what I think is a better tactic below.

Why Refusing To Cooperate Is Not The Answer:If you want to stop or deny the divorce, it's very likely that you want to take (or not take) this action because you want to stay married.  You don't want to be divorced and you want to save your marriage.  And, you think that the only way for this to happen is to strategically try to block them from successfully divorcing you.

But, sometimes, we can't see the forest for the trees.  Think about this for a second.  Let's say that you got your way and were successful.  Let's say that you could stay married by refusing to cooperate or sign the papers.  What would that get you in the end? Your spouse would be very angry that you denied them what they wanted.  They would only be remaining married to you because they had no other choice.  Is that how you want your marriage to look? Is that the way that you want to live? Of course not.

Instead, you want for them to WANT to remain married to you.  You want two committed people who are willing to work together to rescue this relationship.  But, you're never going to get that if you dig in your heels, butt heads with them, and remain completely combative.  You can not make them want to stay married to you by being their adversary.  You'll have to change course to have any chance of luring them back into the marriage.

The Best Way To Remain Married When Your Spouse Is Trying To Divorce You:The best way to turn this thing around is to somehow convince them that they want to remain married to you – that the divorce is a mistake.  Obviously, it's not likely that they'll make this turnaround if you are fighting them tooth and nail.

So, you'll need to become their ally rather than their adversary.  You need to sit them down and tell them that although you are going to protect yourself if this divorce (it would be absolutely silly not to), you don't want to allow this to deteriorate your relationship.  State that you hope that you can both proceed and act in a way that you can both be proud of.  Tell them that you will no longer act in a combative way and that although you would very much like to save the marriage, you can't control how they feel or what they think.  You can only control yourself. And, you're going to do that by handling this with dignity and grace.

Divorce mediation is an excellent tool.  Many readers tell me that the mediation actually helped to restore some positive aspects of the relationship.  Many people will avoid mediation because they think that it brings the divorce closer, but the professionals who mediate can often help you find common ground.  You very much need this if you want to save your marriage.

When I explain this to people, some will respond with "are you telling me to just give up?  I'm just supposed to give in and accept the divorce?"  No, that's not what I'm saying.  In truth, you are fighting the divorce, at least in your own way.  You're planning to save the marriage, but they can't know that because if they do, they're going to think that everything that comes out of your mouth is going to be part of a plan to make sure they change their mind.  And in this scenario, they aren't going to really listen to a word you say.

By making these concessions, you're making them think it's safe to listen to you again, that they don't have to avoid you at all costs anymore.  This is important because in order to save your marriage, you will need to have access to them.

The First Steps To Getting Them To Want To Stay Married Rather Than Wanting A Divorce:There's no denying that you have a lot of work to do. Going from the brink of divorce to a couple who is saving a marriage takes a lot of finesse. But, the first step in this process is turning their negative perceptions of you and your marriage into positive ones.  They can't cringe or become angry every time they think of or look at you.

By no means does this happen over night. It takes tiny baby steps and accepting small victories.  But, you have to break down things day by day, meeting by meeting.  Your primary goal should simply be to make every meeting and encounter turn out positively.  This won't happen every time, but each positive meeting will build upon itself until they are actually looking forward to seeing you.

Once you've reached this level, then you should start restoring fun, pleasurable shared experiences.  What you're trying to do is to rebuild the intimacy, connection, and trust.  You're trying to reignite the two people who once fell in love.  This often requires for you to dig deep and to bring forth those attributes that your partner first fell in love with. Did he used to love your sense of humor and the way you listened intently to him? Well, now's the time to make sure that he sees these sides of you.  Make sure that every single thing that he used to adore about you are on full display now.

When I was trying to save my own marriage, my husband's mind was made up. He was going forward with moving out and then the divorce. Of course, I initially dodged service and refused to sign the divorce papers, but this only made things worse. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but save our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at /