The visitation schedule is a great benefit to working out time to spend with your child, but sometimes it seems to work against you. While it has the advantage of being a consistent guideline, it lacks flexibility when your schedule needs it to be flexible. Here are some ideas to make it work for you.

Normally visitation schedules include holiday schedules as well. But how many times have parents been invited to participate in an activity or had an opportunity arise that they cannot take advantage of because the schedule dictates otherwise? It happens more frequently than you might think. In order to remedy this problem, when it arises, both parents need to cooperate. For some this is a simple task and only takes a bit of negotiation. For other parents it seems they will never agree and all is lost. In this case the answer to the question is “yes”, you must abide by the order.

Experience teaches us that the longer the amount of time that goes by, and the older the child gets, the more likely that schedule changes can be asked for and negotiated successfully between parents.. Except in severe circumstances, (and they do happen) most parents will mellow in time and allow the child to go with the other parent even when the schedule does not call for it. The reason is that when children are young they need to be given direction and they do not question authority. As the child ages they age they begin to set their own direction and do question authority. Telling your child that they cannot spend time with another parent for a special event can drive a deep wedge in the relationship between child and parent. This is a risk that most parents are reluctant to take.

Another factor that comes into play is “détente”. This style of diplomacy played out during the cold war (seems appropriate for this venue, doesn’t it) and is simply based on “assured mutual destruction”. The point here is that if one parent denies the other parent the time they need, they may find themselves reminded of their unfortunate decision when they need the favor. Through the years this may play out several times until both parties begin to understand that it doesn’t work for them or the child.

So if you find yourself in the early part of and ugly custody battle, know that in time you may not like each other but you will begin to dislike being beat up more that you enjoy beating someone up. In the end you will find that your child will be the final judge. If that isn’t enough to get both of you to change your ways, then there are far bigger challenges than a vacation schedule.