The holidays are expected to be a bright and cheerful time, filled with family and friends. For those caring for another it can be a time filled with stress, disappointment, frustration and sadness. For individuals who have been experiencing MCI, Dementia or Alzheimer’s, they may feel even greater distress and a deeper sense of loss. This is caused by the changes he or she has experienced. Caregivers far too often are overwhelmed. Family may want too much from the Senior and the caregiver as well. For the Caregiver, they can end up feeling pulled in many directions at the same time. They may want to participate in the holiday hub bub, and spend long periods of time with the other family members or have them to the house. This can be overwhelming physically, emotionally, and financially. Caregivers may be concerned about how family will react to the changes that have happened to the loved one as a result of the advancing of the disease.

Get honest about your family. If they have not been involved all year long, then they do not understand the changes that have occurred. As the primary caregiver, it is up to you to ensure they understand the circumstances surrounding your loved one, and respect that you know what is best for them.

Some simple rules of thumb:

Do not expect that any of your family members understand the changes that have taken place. They may not understand how the loved one will react with the entire family and extended family gathered together. You need to be the one to make sure everyone else understands that Dad or Mom may not be able to participate as they did in the past, and neither can you.

Extremely long drives to the sister that lives 90 miles away may not be feasible. These drives can be physically exhausting, and the strange house may cause unnecessary anxiety and acting out.

Large gatherings with lots of noise, and small children, are difficult. They may not be able to hear well with so many people talking and a lot of noise. This may very well cause your loved one much anxiety and fear.

Your family may not have truly understood that Mom or Dad, may not remember their names, or confuse or forget grandchildren. They may take it personally, and have feelings of hurt and dismay.

There is a lot you can do to make this a bright, happy, joyous holiday for everyone. What works for some may not be right for your situation. The most important thing you can do is leave tradition on the shelf and observes your loved one and yourself. Think about what makes them smile, what makes them anxious or fearful. What is their schedule? Take your loved one into consideration and determine how the holiday would best serve them. Imagine for a moment what would be the perfect holiday for them, and write it down. Let your family know what you need from them to have this “perfect” holiday. Allow them to be participatory. Find elements that can be done rather than telling everyone what can not be done. In doing this, you will be less anxious, and enjoy the company, and make them feel part of as well. Far too often we have been doing everything by ourselves for so long, we forget that others would love to help, but do not know how.

You can call and talk on the phone, write a letter or email, speak directly to individuals. Send some literature from the Alzheimer’s association as well. They have numerous brochures and pamphlets that will help your family learn about Dementia, and Alzheimer’s and what to expect. Most important be clear. Your loved one probably has good days, and bad days. Just because it’s the holiday does not determine which it will be.

Some simple actions you can take. Ask everyone to call before they come by. If your loved one is agitated by crowds, limit the number of people at any given time. Limit the number of small children and the length of the visits. Remind people that this can be great fun and to make it that way. It’s okay for it to be Christmas, 1956, for an hour. Have activities that family and friends can include your loved one with, such as looking at old photo’s, talking about favorite holiday movies or music. Look for the spark, and fan the flames, whatever the interest. It may be the 1,000 time you have heard the story about Stanford, but it is only the 10th for the visitor. Give them some questions in advance to keep conversation going.

If your loved one has a strict schedule that is working, keep it going as much as possible. Make sure your family is aware of it and can incorporate it into the holiday festivities. You know your family best, and you know your loved one. Help the two create a great holiday together. As Senior Coaches, we have worked with many families in this situation. We have watched the holidays cause everything but joy and harmony. Understanding one another, and the unique situation of the caregiver and senior, is very difficult for many. Coaching allows you to learn a new skill set for dealing with the family and well meaning friends. You need to take care of yourself during these holidays. Be clear about your boundaries, and needs. The clarity of communication will go a long way to helping everyone have a merry holiday this year. Got a question, email them to cc@motivate4success.com.