Mostly, I get people who are struggling to save their marriages as visitors to my blog. But sometimes, I also get folks who are struggling with the question of when is the right time to leave the marriage.  And, these folks also wonder how they can tell when (or if) they have reached this point.  I believe that mostly, these folks are not yet at a place where they are entirely comfortable with the way that they are leaning in terms of ending their marriages.  If they were, they would not have found my site, which details my struggles as I tried to save my marriage.  Still, I often try very much to be objective and to offer what insights that I can.  I'll tell you what I typically tell them in the following article.

Deal Breakers That Could Potentially Mean You Might Consider Leaving Your Marriage Now:I have to be fair and upfront.  For the most part, I lean toward saving marriages when at all possible.  However, there are some circumstances with which I have no patience.  These are cases of abuse -- whether it is verbal, physical, or emotional. My stance is the same whether it is the spouse who is being hurt or whether it is a child in the household.

It will typically become clear pretty quickly if your spouse is willing or able to be rehabilitated.  My rule is often that they get only one chance to turn themselves around.  The second time that they commit the same acts, this is the deal breaker and this is when it becomes an unhealthy pattern that you must break.  I know that this is difficult, but often removing yourself from the situation is the only safe way, and is also the only way that is likely going to get their attention if they are able to be rehabilitated.

People will often assume that I believe that infidelity is one of these deal breakers.  This isn't always the case.  Sometimes if you are dealing with a repeat cheater who is never really going to change, then that may be a different story.  However, many cases of marital infidelity can be very successfully worked though. In fact sometimes, the marriage is even made better so long as both parties work together to right what is wrong.

Some Clues That You're Ready To Leave Your Marriage:Before I tell you what I believe are some of the cornerstones of someone who is really ready to walk away from their marriage, I should tell you that most people who I talk to have not yet reached this point.  If they had, they probably wouldn't be asking the question because they would be at peace with their decision enough that they didn't worry that they were making the wrong call.

However, I do run across folks who have reached this point occasionally.  It's pretty easy to pick them out.  They aren't anxious about my reply. They're likely going to proceed no matter what I say. They know that there is nothing that can change their mind because they know that they have tried everything that there is to try and have attempted every possible method and effort that could save their marriage.  They have done everything in their power to ensure that this ends in as healthy a manner as possible.

To that end, there is generally no animosity, resentment, anger, or fear.  Generally in these cases both parties are ending things as amicably as possible.  This can generally happen because they both know that they tried everything that they could so there is no need for blaming or fear that they are ending things too soon. Generally, there is no jealousy.  Both parties want the other to be happy and would support their ex in another loving relationship.

What If I Still Have Doubts That It's Time To Leave My Marriage?:Often, people will tell me that they can't honestly say that they've yet reached these levels.  They often have to admit that they've held back in some way, left something unsaid, or have employed some defense mechanism that may have thwarted a reconciliation. Deep down, they realize that they might have a problem with their spouse being with someone else because there are unresolved issues there or feelings like anger, jealousy, and resentment present.

Almost always, these left over feelings stem mostly from unfinished business.  So, if you still have that nagging little feeling that won't let you leave with a clear conscience and without doubt, ask yourself if there is any unfinished business that you have not yet addressed.  Often, there absolutely is and it's not until you've fully addressed it that you will feel this burden lift.

I remember that before my husband I started having problems, I would always remember Dr. Phil telling viewers that they had to "earn they way out of a marriage."  In other words, if they wanted to leave their marriage with a clear conscience, they had to know that they turned over every stone to save it first.  This used to annoy me when I was happily married. I used to think that these phrases were very easy for Dr. Phil to say, considering he and Robin seemed blissfully happy.

But, knowing what I know now, I have to suspect that, like all couples, Phil and Robin have had some issues over the years. (I actually know this to be true from reading both of their books.)  But, I also suspect that they dug in and did the hard work needed to get back on track.  If you haven't yet done this work, and you're still researching the right time to end your marriage, perhaps you have not yet done all of this work.  Could that be possible? If you suspect that is true, you owe it to yourself (and to your spouse and children, if you have them) to cover all of the bases so that when and if you do try to proceed forward alone, you won't have the doubt that you do right now.

There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at it's end. My husband had totally checked out and would not lift a finger to help me reconcile the marriage. I knew that, at least from my end, it was not yet time to call it quits. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing and approach it from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog at /