I get a lot of emails from wives who are afraid that their marriages are over. But, few are as filled with emotion as the messages I get from wives whose husbands have just informed them that either he doesn't love them anymore or is no longer "in love" with them.

Part of this is because the shock hasn't had time to sink in and there hasn't yet been time to come up with a workable plan. Believe it or not, this can work to your advantage. Because often, when wives have been down this path for a while, there are actions that they wish they could take back, and things that wish they'd said (or didn't say). Once these things are set in stone, it's harder to right the wrongs than it is in the beginning.

If you're just gotten this bad news, at least you're in the beginning of it and now have the advantage that you can calmly come up with the right plan to save your marriage – before mistakes are made, if that is what you want to do. In the following article, I'll offer tips and advice to help you do just that.

Calm And Rational Should Be Your Goal:As hard as it may be to even consider acting calmly and rationally right now, this should be your goal, at least when you interact with your husband. It's fine to lose control or act out or break down in front of trusted friends or when you are in private. But, you must realize that right now, every interaction and impression that you make on your husband is vitally important. Because at least in his mind, things are badly off of track. At the heart of that is the fact that he's reading things very negatively right now. So, you don't want to give him yet more negative things with which to fuel the fire and to help him justify his feelings (or lack of them) and actions.

I truly understand how tempting it can be to break down, crumble, beg for and demand answers, or try to use guilt or ultimatums. I've made these mistakes too. But, in the end, they only backfired and made much more work for me, giving me much more ground to make up. Because every time you participate in negative behaviors, you allow your husband to move just a little further away. You don't want this. So, let's take a look at what is attractive to a husband and what isn't.

Men generally find the same things attractive that we do. They like confidence, competence, and dignity and self respect. They are not at all attracted to weakness, subservience, and game playing. And, you have an advantage whether you believe it or not. You already know what your husband finds attractive and contributes to him falling in love.

Many women will stop me here and remind me that they're not so young or sexy anymore. This really isn't the point. I get so many emails from husbands who tell me how much they miss their wives' enthusiasm, attention, and effort. It really isn't how you look. It's how you are able to make him feel (often about himself.) A man will chose a woman who knows him like the back of her hand (but loves him anyway), who always has a smile for him, and who makes the time to show him she values him over a knock out with a cold heart every time. It's so important that you understand this and don't throw in the towel before you've even really started.

I also have women tell me things like "I know that this no longer loving me business is just meant to get a rise out of me or bluff me, so I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of playing these games." Maybe. But, you have to look at it this way. No matter what your husband's intentions are, he's attempting to give you a wake up call, whether he realizes it or not. He's throwing you a life raft, whether it feels like it right now or not. He's still sharing his feelings with you and attempting to communicate, which is a good sign. What you do with this wake up call is up to you.

Your Next Step After Your Husband Has Told You That He Doesn't Love You Anymore:Most women will ask me things like "how do I react to this? What is there to say?" Well, first off, as I said before, always think before you act. It's so easy to fly off at the handle and react badly. This will even sometimes feel like the right thing to do, but it almost always isn't. Always remember the real goal – to turn the negative feelings back into positive ones. In truth, it's highly unlikely that your husband no longer loves you. You can't turn love off and on like a light switch. In actuality, what he's probably experiencing is a loss of connection and intimacy.

The first step in getting this back is to keep communication and interactions open. You aren't going to be able to do this if you react badly. So, it's important that you calmly receive the message, let him know that you heard it, respect it – and most importantly – validate it. If you tell your husband that he's mistaken or wrong, you're only going to place yourself on opposite sides, which is the polar opposite of what you want to do right now.

Instead, agree that you too feel the distance and it hurts you because you know that the two of you have the capability to connect very well. Agree that you both deserve happiness and a marriage that contributes to this. Vow that you are there for him as he works through this and agree that you will give him the time and space he needs without contributing negativity to the process.

Often at this point wives will say something like "what? you're telling me to just let him off the hook or to give in?" No, I'm not. What you're really doing is conducting yourself with dignity and respect to ensure that you appear positively rather than negatively. This is the first step toward rebuilding the intimacy. And, you won't be able to do this if you take a combative stance. In short, you'll be taking baby steps toward your husband – not further away from him.

When I was trying to change my own husband's mind about still loving me, I made a lot of the same mistakes I discussed here. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to restore my husband's love and not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. You can read a very personal story on my blog at