Why is it that we remember that which hurts us much longer and more intensely than that which helps us? Being hurt especially by a loved one tends to be traumatic, the incident is burned into our memory. The reality is that it takes five positive encounters to counteract each negative encounter.

Removing the negatives from our relationship, therefore, will have a greater impact on improving the quality of our relationship. The first step is to become aware of the ways that we tend to hurt our partner. The following are ten potentially hurtful things to avoid in order to strengthen your marriage:

1. Stop the blame game. The question is not who is wrong and who is right or who is to blame. The question is how can we be best deal with this situation so that we can both win. Think of it as working together to solve the “problem” rather than pulling apart and seeing each other as “the problem.”

2. Don’t’ analyze or compare. Saying to your partner, “You are just like your mother (father or whoever)” is not conducive to either good relations or problem solving. In marriage we want to be heard and understood not analyzed and compared.

3. Don’t take each other for granted. If you love each other say so and find ways to express and show your love to each other. Say thank you and pay attention to the little kindnesses along the way. Make your relationship a priority and make time for each other.

4. Avoid assuming. Assuming just makes an “ass” of “u” and “me.” If you think you know what your partner is thinking or planning, check it out with them. When you take time to clarify things you will avoid many misscommunications and frustrations.

5. Don’t pretend. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t agree to something just to keep the peace and then sabotage things because you really didn’t agree in the first place. Expressing your true feelings allows you to have a real relationship.

6. Never resort to the silent treatment. Using silence as a weapon is possibly the cruelest form of emotional abuse. Refusing to acknowledge that your partner exists does nothing to help you communicate and work out differences. Find ways to express what is bothering you in a non-attacking way that your partner will be able to hear.

7. Don’t label. “You are such a _____.” Cruel statement, often made in the heat of a disagreement will leave a scar on your relationship. Express your feeling and describe what is happening instead. “I feel frustrated when you come home late and don’t call to let me know. I would like you to please call and let me know that you are going to be late.”

8. Avoid threats, idle or otherwise. Threatening to leave is not the answer. If you want your relationship to succeed you cannot be looking for the escape hatch every time things get unpleasant. Threatening to harm your partner will destroy your relationship.

9. Don’t draw others into your conflicts. Talking to your mother, father, best friend or children about your frustrations with your marriage will seldom make things better and frequently makes things much worse. To build trust and intimacy in your relationship you need to tactfully be honest and open with each other.

10. Avoid aggression, passive or otherwise. Acting out can include anything from spending excessively to staying away from home or throwing things around. There are as many behaviors to say, “I’m angry with you!” as there are people. Using behavior to express anger takes the focus off solving the problem and puts it on dealing with the behavior. It just creates more distance in the relationship.

Avoiding the negative behavior will make your marriage a much more pleasant place to be. You will have created an atmosphere in which your love for each other can grow.