Building a great marriage is a skill to be learned and the skills needed will change and evolve as both spouses do. It is a great challenge to take on having a wonderful marriage that incorporates partnership, love, and mutual respect. But for those who take it on, the rewards are incredible.

When my husband and I first got married, over twelve years ago, we’d learned some great things about building a strong marriage. But as we began our lives together, we realized that we hadn’t learned enough. Some things we muddled through. But for other marital issues, we realized that we needed some expert marriage advice.

When we began to learn about laying a good marital foundation from people who were marriage experts, we found that building a partnership was much easier than we had thought. We began to communicate easily and we avoided many marital pitfalls that can plunge spouses into days or even months of being upset at one another.

To get started in creating a strong marriage, here are three simple tools:

Tool #1 for Building a Great Marriage: When There is an Argument, Clear It Up and Don’t Look Back – How many times as a couple have you had an argument and then one spouse is left fuming for days afterward. This is toxic to a marriage. There’s nothing like simmering, low grade anger or hostility to slowly but surely poison a marriage. The key is to train yourselves to have very little tolerance for disharmony.

When I first learned this technique, I had been fine with being angry and upset. That’s how I was used to living. But then I realized that not everyone lives like that. At the advice of my marriage expert, I started observing people and I noticed that there were some people who seemed calm and confident all of the time. They’d trained themselves to create harmony rather than discord. Beyond just dealing effectively with problems in their lives, there was a deeper skill that they’d mastered. They had learned to create a positive emotional state.

Often, the key to a harmonious marriage is for both spouses to take on creating a positive emotional state. You may ask, “What does this have to do with creating a powerful marriage?” It has everything to do with that. If both spouses are more skilled at living great lives, the easier it will become for them to create a great marriage. Solid marriages are always built by highly functional people.

So when you find yourself seething about something, stop, deal with it, and move on. You’ll be surprised at how productive you’ll become and you’ll also be a great deal more supportive to your spouse.

Tool #2 for Building a Great Marriage: Refrain from Having the Last Word – There are little needling comments that we can make if we’re upset and we usually save them for the end of a discussion. They’re not meant to be positive or helpful. They’re simply meant to hurt one another. Often, we feel that we’re entitled to say such nasty things because of the callous behavior of our spouse. But these nasty, cutting remarks do not heal anything. They only serve to drive the wedge between you deeper.

If you have something to say, simply say it in a responsible manner. If you’re just angry, take a deep breath and don’t say those obnoxious things. You’ll feel better about yourself if you don’t.

Tool #3 for Building a Great Marriage: Take Walks Together – This is a healthy and cheap form of marriage therapy. It is great to get outside and clear your head. Often, my husband and I think of great solutions to problems while we’re walking. And it gives us the chance to talk. This is a winning proposition all around. It has been well documented that exercise increases our ability to handle stress. After a walk, we’re more calm and able to see things more clearly.

Take several strolls a week and see what happens. Good luck!