Sitting next to you at church, behind the plastic smiles and hearty handshakes, is a family hiding an insidious secret that is destroying their lives. One in every four women in each church community is currently being abused by their partner, or has experienced abuse at some time in the past. One in every four— count them! How many does that make in your congregation?  Sue and John have been married for 15 years. John is an elder in his church and Sue leads a Bible study for women. Although they appear to be the perfect couple, their marriage is in serious trouble. During a recent argument, John slapped Sue while she was holding their infant son, and continued to attack her verbally throughout the evening. Although John has been verbally abusive in the past, this is the first time he has physically assaulted Sue.  As a pastor or counselor, when Sue appears in your office frightened and confused, you will be faced with a dilemma:

What steps should be taken to ensure her safety?  When and how should you confront John and get his side of the story?  How does counseling this couple differ from your typical approach to marriage counseling? To determine the seriousness of this case, you must understand how domestic violence differs from marital conflict: _Domestic violence is a repeated pattern of behavior used to gain power and control over another through the use of intimidation, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical assault, or sexual abuse_.  It usually begins with degrading behavior, insults and put-downs. Verbal abuse escalates into physical violence to keep the victim in line and instill fear. The abuser blames the victim for problems in the marriage and takes little, if any, responsibility for his own actions.   The abuser feels entitled to get what he wants, and believes God has given him the right to discipline his wife when she gets out of line.

Tips for counseling victims of domestic violence _Marriage counseling does not work well until you have dealt fully with domestic violence issues_:   It is not the same as a relationship adjustment or communication problems.   Anger management alone does not work! It places the burden on the victim to change her behavior so she does not provoke the abuser. Many abusers divert their methods of anger to appear in compliance of the program. Anger management programs may be useful after the abuser has successfully completed a long-term treatment program, has stopped all physical abuse, and is interested in pursuing a lifelong change process. An expert in offender programs indicates, “The change process takes years. Men who have been abusive and controlling during most of their adult lives will not be transformed after a six-month program.

What we can hope for is a cessation of physical violence, a reduction in controlling behavior, and a willingness to continue changing” (Violent No More by Michael Paymar).   Anger, stress, alcoholism, sickness, or mental health issues do not cause domestic violence. These are separate problems needing separate attention, which only exacerbate the issue of domestic violence.   Joint counseling inhibits the victim’s freedom to talk honestly about the situation and is not recommended for domestic violence cases.   Joint counseling gives the abuser more power over his victim through intimidation and silent threats. He may try to control the counseling session by setting the agenda and manipulating the pastor or therapist to believe his side of the story.  Joint counseling puts the victim in danger of retaliation from the abuser following the counseling session.   Joint counseling may be useful and safe only after the abuser has stopped all forms of violence, is engaged in long-term growth programs, and if the victim feels safe and is agreeable. Common counseling mistakes when working with domestic violence Missing the warning signs that should alert you to suspect domestic violence. She may not see herself as an abused woman. Victims may be competent, intelligent, and confident individuals who are trapped in a confusing relationship without the tools to identify the problem.

They may be ashamed to seek help, and many protect their husbands’ reputations out of a sense of duty, fear or love. Ask questions to determine whether or not she is in an abusive situation. “Do you ever feel frightened of him? What happens when you express an opinion different from his? Has he ever slapped or pushed you, hit you or threatened you?” (See FOCUS Pastor’s Guide for a list of other appropriate questions.) Most abusers hide their dual personality through the guise of charm, spirituality, love for family, and outstanding talents or leadership skills. Although they appear to be kind and loving in public, their family suffers silently under their reign of terror at home.  Disbelieving or incorrectly defining her experience. Assume she is telling the truth (even if the abuser is a church leader or the largest contributor in your congregation). She needs to be believed, supported and not judged.

Minimizing her experience. She will give you only a small glimpse of the real situation to test your reaction. Affirm her courage and assure her she is not alone.  Incorrectly assessing her safety. Safety should be the highest priority. Do not assume there will not be any physical violence just because there has not been any yet. Take verbal threats seriously and consider verbal abuse equally destructive as physical violence. If the abuser has threatened her life, take it seriously! (See FOCUS Pastor’s Guide for checklist to see if she is in imminent danger.) Placing the focus on her behavior. Instead of spending time deciding who provoked whom or giving advice on ways she could change by praying harder, having a quiet spirit, or being more submissive, the pastor or counselor should focus on her physical, emotional, and spiritual health and safety.  Address the sinful behavior of the abuser, naming it abuse, which is against man’s law and God’s law.  Holding her responsible for keeping the family together.

The breakup of the family should not be blamed on the victim for seeking safety, but on the abuser who has violated the marriage covenant.  Women should not be advised to stay in an abusive situation for the “sake of the children.” Although children need a father in the home, research proves a child suffers more long-term effects by staying in an abusive home.  Refusing to believe the abuser could do such a thing. Most abusers present themselves to others as charming, very likeable, spiritual, and devoted to their families. They are master manipulators who often use Scripture to justify their use of power and control to keep their family “in line.”  Contacting the abuser to tell him about his wife’s visit without her permission and without a safety plan in place.

This places the woman in great danger of physical harm when the abuser realizes his actions have been exposed and his sense of power and control have been diminished.  Confronting the abuser alone. As a pastor, use the Matthew 18 model and have a witness at all meetings in case the abuser decides to threaten you or the Church. Before you confront an abuser, have a safety plan in place for the victim (be prepared to provide a safe place for her and her children to stay and financial help for immediate needs) and a strategic plan of action for the abuser to get help.  Assuming the abuser will change if he becomes a Christian (or if he is already a Christian and repents of his sin). Even if his repentance is genuine, he should still be held accountable for his actions. Safety needs to be maintained for the victim until the change can be verified over time. (See “Signs That He Has Changed” in the FOCUS Pastor’s Guide.) The victim should not be told it is her duty as a Christian to stay in an abusive situation and pray for the abuser to change or become a Christian.

Devaluing a structured separation or promoting reconciliation too soon. If the abuser has truly changed, he will be willing to wait as long as it takes to prove himself and rebuild trust. (See “To Separate or Not To Separate” in the FOCUS Pastor’s Guide for goals and rules for a structured separation.) Do not encourage reconciliation too soon. The safety of women and children should take priority.  Provide options to the victim and refer her to a support networkGive the victim a list of support services, which may include information on local shelters, domestic violence support groups, and attorneys who have expertise in domestic violence. Provide her with a detailed safety plan, which will help her take proactive steps in the event of future violence. (An 8-page Safety Plan is available to download free at .)  If the victim has been physically assaulted, encourage her to file a complaint with the local police and get an order of protection. Assure her that God does not condone abuse, and the most loving thing she can do is to hold her spouse accountable for his actions. It is your legal responsibility to contact Family Services if it becomes apparent that children have been abused or are in danger by remaining in the home.    Recommend a treatment program for the abuserA good treatment program should be a minimum of 24-26 weeks, with an additional period of follow-up where individual counseling may be necessary.

Treatment should be in a group setting with a male/female team or two male facilitators. Curriculum should focus on power and control issues instead of anger management, and on changing core beliefs about women and marriage. Consequences for non-compliance should be clearly stated and enforced. Do not gauge change by his promises, acts of repentance (such as increased church attendance), or completion of a batterer’s intervention program. Research indicates that 50% of court-appointed offenders will recidivate within five years. If the abuser has truly changed, he will be willing to wait as long as it takes for trust to be rebuilt, and will not pressure his wife to forgive or reconcile until she is ready. He will respect her “no” in all situations, including physical contact. He will be willing to continue counseling for as long as necessary and accountability for a lifetime. (See FOCUS Pastor’s Guide for checklist of additional signs that he has changed.)  How to create a safe environment in your church  Train pastoral staff and church leadership about domestic violence. The Moody Church in Chicago, Illinois is a great model for other churches in setting up a proactive plan to minister to the entire family affected by domestic violence. Their first step was to invite FOCUS Ministries to train their pastoral staff and women’s ministry leaders, followed by several subsequent training events for church leadership.

Take a firm stand from the pulpit by preaching on servant leadership in the home and defining what constitutes abuse. Explain Jesus’ style of servant leadership, which had nothing to do with external control or coercion. Pastors should remind men that Scripture does not give them permission to punish or discipline their wives, even if they are not being submissive. God is the one who disciplines his “adult” children. Promote Scripture (Galatians 3:28; 1 Peter 3:7) that indicates men are not spiritually superior to women, as many abusers view women as “second class” or “less than” men. (A copy of Pastor Erwin Lutzer’s sermon, “A

Destructive Secret,” presented on May 22, 2005 at Moody Church in Chicago, IL is available at .)   Develop programs to proactively prevent violence in the home (for all age groups) and provide support for the whole family (support groups for women and children in abusive situations, proactive training for teens on dating relationships, and programs for abusers that hold them accountable and teach them about healthy relationships).   Develop a safety plan for your church in case the abuser becomes disruptive or violent during services. (See sample safety plan in FOCUS Pastor’s Guide.)  Providing help and safety to women who are struggling in difficult circumstances is the secondary mission of FOCUS Ministries. Our first priority is to help women pursue God and find their identity and purpose in Him. Find a therapist for immediate help.

Making the pursuit of God a woman’s greatest treasure will give her courage, strength and hope for the future. Our prayer for pastors is that they will take seriously the plague of domestic violence, take action to educate themselves and their congregations and develop programs to help the entire family. We are indebted to therapists who counsel families at risk and are committed to providing hope and practical help. Our challenge to you is to seek additional training and old_resources to raise your awareness of the problem and to provide solutions for your clients. Contact FOCUS at www.focus ministries1.org for free literature and old_resources or call 270-825-2423 to schedule a training event in your area.