One hour before starting to write this article, God sent a new patient my way, John L., a 40-year-old sales rep from Atlanta who was filled with distress. He was in such acute distress, in fact, that I offered him a Klonopin wafer, a medication which would have ended his panic attack within four minutes and kept it away for eight hours. He refused, having a strong desire to "tough it out" without meds until he recovered from therapy alone. "None of my family of origin had any significant emotional problems, Dr. Meier," John assured me, "and I have never had significant anxiety or depression, in spite of 20 years of marital conflicts, until the past couple of years. But now I am so burned out—so overwhelmed, that I lost my job because I just couldn't function any longer." His pastor loved John, and wanted to relieve John's pain, so he sent John to our Day Program in Dallas, with the church covering the charges for his treatment.

"Tell me what you feel is overwhelming you, John," I replied. "Painful people in my life, Dr. Meier. I feel like I always have—always had to—walk on eggshells around a number of difficult people my whole life, but I have always managed to cope with it until the past couple of years. My mom died two years ago, and she was a cruel, controlling, selfish woman. She thought the whole world revolved around her, and she was always laying guilt trips on me."  "John, tell me why you think you became MORE distressed rather than LESS distressed since she died?" I prodded gently.  "I have no idea, Dr. Meier, it just doesn't make any sense to me why I have taken it so hard." "I don't know you very well yet, John, and I have never met any of your family members, but let me toss out a couple of common causes for reactions like this to see if any of them fit. Would that be OK, John?" "Fire away, Dr. Meier, that's why I'm here, and why my pastor sent me. We are hoping the truth can set me free from this two-year prison of pain I have been in." "Well, John, I'll share with you what I have seen most often in my 30 years of practice, and you can tell me if I am barking up the wrong tree.

There are six billion people on planet earth, John, and all of us tend to automatically fall into a foolish rat race, feeling like a nobody, and spending too much time, money and energy trying to prove that we are somebody." "Most of our basic personality patterns, including how we view men, women and ourselves, are formed by our sixth birthday. Thank God for Philippians 4:13, ‘I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.' We can change no matter how old we are, with God's help. But most people don't change much." "And, John, we tend to base way too much of how we see ourselves in the eyes of the people around us. Instead of believing Psalm 139, that God thinks about us so many times a day that we can't even count them; we tend to believe that ‘critical parent' who told us we were stupid when we made mistakes, and that we were evil and disrespectful for coming to any conclusions that differ in any way from that critical parent's way of thinking." "Exactly, Dr. Meier," John responded emotionally. "Every time I failed at anything or disagreed with mom, she made me feel crazy.

"  "Make me feel crazy, right now, John, so I will know what it feels like," I retorted, to teach John an important key to freedom.  "Well, I—I can't make you feel crazy, Dr. Meier. I could call you names right now and criticize you, but I think you would probably survive my onslaught and still not be convinced you are crazy."  "You're right, John. I actually fail fairly often at various things in my life, but I accept that as part of being human, so I don't beat myself up over it. I just thank God I am a normal human who can love and be loved forever. I used to let ‘Crazymakers' affect me throughout much of my life too, because of a strict, critical father. But I continue to learn better ways to protect myself from all the ‘Crazymakers' in this world. I have noticed that you tend to think externally.

Do you tend to look outside yourself for the sources of your pain, as well as for your self worth?" "I do, Dr. Meier. The slightest criticism ruins my whole day. When I got fired from my job a few months ago, I was absolutely devastated, because I always had an excellent job record. Yet I always managed to cope, somehow. Why has it gotten worse since my mom died?" "Well, John, when you were a little boy and your mom treated you like an extension of herself, taught you that the world revolved around her, that you existed to make her happy, and that you were incompetent to think for yourself, you automatically believed her even though all those things were lies. You thought—you were taught from day one—that there was something wrong with you… but there wasn't.

If your mom had Jesus for a son instead of you, she would have been just as controlling and critical of him. Her conditional acceptance of you and her rejection of you, just the way you are, were not your fault, John." Tears started appearing in John's eyes. The truth started to dawn on John's mind as he saw how distorted his views of the world around him and of himself were—all because he believed a narcissistic, crazy-making mother. So since John seemed receptive to insight, I went on with my speculation. "John, I think maybe when your mom died two years ago, losing her isn't what spun your life downhill as much as the death of a fantasy you may have had subconsciously." "What do you mean, Dr. Meier? That doesn't make any sense to me." "John, most little boys with a mom like yours, strive harder and harder to win the approval of their mother, because they think they need it, even though they don't. So most kids growing up like you develop a strong fantasy that some day their mom will change her mind, or repent, or have a flash of insight into how wonderful their sons really are.

They fantasize that their mom will finally, deeply, unconditionally love them just the way they are, and when they see that love in their mothers' eyes, they can finally love themselves, since they erroneously think their worth is determined by their parents, rather than by themselves and God. So when your mom died two years ago, John, if I am guessing right, then maybe your fantasy died that she would come through for you and love you.  With that comment, John burst into open weeping with heavy sobbing. God had fortunately led me to strike a nerve in John so he could grieve out his lifelong losses. After all, it was Jesus, Himself, who said that those who mourn would be blessed, because their mourning will bring comfort. The Bible also says to weep with those who weep, so I did not restrain my own tears as I watched a brother hunched over in emotional pain. "And John, it goes a lot deeper—that is just the beginning. Most boys who grow up in a "crazy-making" environment like yours develop unconscious emotional ‘crushes' on girls who are also crazy-makers like their moms." "

That seems like such a stupid thing to do, Dr. Meier. When I have suffered all my life from someone like that, why in the world would I want to continue that misery? But that is exactly what I have always done!" "Probably for several reasons, John. For one, we tend to continue whatever we are used to. That's just the way humans are. The Bible says that just like dogs that return to their own vomit, foolish or emotionally immature people return to their folly. History repeats itself unless we become wise and break our unconscious patterns."  "Another reason, John, is because part of you probably wants to fix your mother, so she will love you. So you find women like your mother to develop relationships with so you can fix them instead, symbolically fixing your mother. Also, John, part of you may be intensely angry with your mother deep down, for being so selfish and bringing so much pain to your life. Part of you may want relationships with mother-substitutes so you can find passive ways to get vengeance on them, since you would probably avoid confrontation at any cost." At that point, John had a second wave of heavy sobbing. He went on to tell me how he always dated very selfish girls growing up.

Then he married someone just like his mother. His wife, Jessie, was hostile, overly sensitive, critical, rejecting, controlling, and explosive to the point of physically abusing John at times, which he never opposed.  I asked him what she exploded over. John said that Jessie's father had been very abusive to her, and was an alcoholic and "rageaholic." Jessie would be filled with rage toward her father, but not want to admit to herself that it was over her father, and would accuse John of ridiculous things that were far from true. Yet, these were things that would often be true of her father, so she could displace her rage from him (which was too painful for Jessie to look at) onto her husband. John would not only put up with it, but would apologize for upsetting her even though he knew that he had not done anything wrong to trigger it in most cases. John asked me how people could turn out so narcissistic like his mom and father-in-law.

I told him that there are many ways this could happen, but that the most common ways are to either "spoil" a child or abuse a child. Since we are all born with sinful natures, the Bible tells us that a child, who is left without discipline and love, will bring his mother to shame as an adult. If we give our kids everything they want, they will want everything.  A child who is abused growing up can either become a very nice person, like John, who is passive, masochistic, passive- aggressive, an external thinker, but kind to others. Or he can become so enraged at the "bad maternal object" that he thinks of himself as a "bad object" also, with very low self-esteem. He may overcompensate for the severe inferiority complex by becoming more and more grandiose and narcissistic to cover it up to himself.  John's mother was spoiled. She was the only girl. She was her father's favorite child. In fact, her father didn't like her mother, so dad treated John's mom like a substitute wife in every way except sexually.

John's mom thus suffered from emotional incest in a very enmeshed family system. John's wife, Jessie, on the other hand, was physically abused by her narcissistic and drug-abusing father. She had so much rage toward her dad that whenever a nice man at a church party or anywhere else would give her a little side-by-side hello or goodbye hug, she would stiffen up. She had never once asked John for sex. Sex was a disliked chore for her. Getting married to John was like marrying a robotic punching bag she could beat up on to sublimate her hostility—one that would even earn a good living and support her so she could stay home with the kids.  John experienced a real breakthrough that day in my office. His "cure"—the things we incorporated into his treatment plan—will come from the following:  Grieving his lifelong losses.   Forgiving his abusers.   Turning vengeance over to God.

Developing a more intimate relationship with God, not the "Heavenly version of his earthly father and mother."  Developing a couple of close male friendships, with unconditionally accepting males, to make up for the fellowship he will probably never receive from his narcissistic wife.   Developing a close relationship to his children, and helping them avoid the same pitfalls.   Learning to protect himself from his abusive wife by developing boundaries.    Becoming his own best friend, never again saying anything super-negative to himself that he would not say to his best friend if his best friend did the same thing.   Continuing in long-term outpatient counseling with someone back in Atlanta for a year or more to be sure he doesn't fall back into believing all the lies he had operated his entire life on prior to checking into our Dallas Day Program.Take help from telephone psychologist .

Daily Scripture meditation to thoroughly understand someday what God says about John's worth (Psalm 139, Psalm 68, etc.) and about codependency (e.g., Galatians 6). John needs lots of insight, and the Scriptures provide just that. God sent John my way one-hour before I was scheduled to begin this article, and John became the main character. If he learned the above dynamics in his first hour here, imagine what he will learn after seven hours a day, five days a week for three weeks of individual and group therapies. Please pray for all the John L's of this world. And please pray that all the crazy-makers who shape the core beliefs and personalities of their children and grandchildren will be touched and transformed by God before they do one more day of damage.  _Paul Meier, M.D., is a practicing psychiatrist, founder of the Meier Clinics ( ), and author of 70 books, including CRAZYMAKERS (Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, 2004)._