Is Your Relationship Affecting Your Health?

Everyone has been in a relationship that for one reason or another ended badly. There are relationships that end due to poor timing, differences in fundamental core values, and basic incompatibility. Toxic relationships are deemed as such because they have a very negative affect on one’s emotional and physical health.  Several recent studies have concluded that over time the effects of hostility and excessive conflict can contribute to a sharp increase in health problems, including heart attacks (American Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine, 2007). If you are in relationship with a high level of conflict, you may be at increased risk for stress related health problems.

Are you in a Toxic Relationship?

1.         Your partner belittles your accomplishments or is overtly critical of your thoughts, actions, mannerisms, style of dress and even your family members. Your partner may be chronically angry or moody.  This is a way to gain power and control by putting you down.  Don’t rationalize this very toxic behavior.

2.         Your partner suffers from excessive perfectionism.  You find that you are always striving for perfection that falls short of his/her expectations. This can become a power-struggle that can be about anything from making the bed to your sex life.  If you frequently worry about whether or not you are good enough for your partner, stress of this type can be very toxic to your overall sense of well-being.  Do you really want to spend your life worrying about how well you measure up to someone whom you can never seem to please?

3          Your partner abuses drugs or alcohol.  This is a major deal breaker. You won’t ever get away from this problem unless your partner has a real commitment to their recovery with a MINIMUM of 1 year clean and sober time.  If you are in a relationship with someone who refuses to get help for their problem, you need to seriously consider leaving the situation.  Without professional help, you will live a life of chaos and drama that will always center on your partner’s drug/alcohol problem.  You will lose your sanity and your sense of self to this person’s problem.

4          Your partner is a bully…either verbally, or physically.  Don’t walk run!  Your partner needs help, and most likely, you do too.  If you are in a relationship with someone who is hurting you either psychologically, or physically, seek professional help immediately.

5          Your partner is addicted to internet pornography.  This is a way for someone to opt out of interpersonal relationships altogether.  You will be living with a phantom who may appear to function normally, but is completely checked out.  Living alone may be preferable to living with someone who does not have the capacity to be fully engaged with you.

6          Conflicts never have a resolution.  Simple misunderstandings seem to have no resolution.  You could argue for hours over nothing.  A partner who is interested in maintaining a high level of control over your life wants to keep you off balance.  A high degree of conflict, with little or no possibility of resolution, is a way to achieve this goal.

7          Your partner is secretive and frequently disappears.  If you have someone in your life who checks out from time to time without an explanation, you need to ask yourself what is really going on with this.  Usually people who keep secrets have very good reasons for doing so.  Do you really want to be around to find out what it is? It’s almost guaranteed to make you unhappy when you find out the reason.

8.         Your partner is unreliable and frequently breaks promises no matter how small.  You can’t plan a life with someone who will not be accountable…plain and simple.

9.         Your partner has a lot of unfinished business with an ex-spouse, lover, or children.  This is a tough one.  You may think you have met your soul mate if only the timing were right.  There is a difference between unfinished business and dealing with the fallout from a divorce or separation.  If he/she has children, what is the quality of those relationships and how important are they?  If your partner is not paying child-support, visiting his/her children, or not making them a top priority, this is a serious character flaw that will not be made better by time.

10.       Your partner lies to get what he/she wants.  A liar is not likely to change. Overt manipulation, or a lie by omission, is a major indicator of poor character and a self-serving and exploitative approach to interpersonal relationships. You will spend all of your time trying to be a private detective to uncover the truth.  Don’t bother.

If you are struggling in a dead-end relationship that is harmful to your physical or mental well-being, seek professional help and guidance. A good relationship will enhance the quality of your life rather than diminish it.  No relationship is worth putting your spiritual, physical, and emotional health at risk.

Leslie Miller, LICSW