For those of you who are seeking honest to goodness misery in your life, here are a few ideas to help you in your quest.

1) Nix the golden rule. Ya know that lame proverbial saying - do unto others as you would have them do unto you - forget it. Being "nice" is for the weak. Besides, how will you ever get ahead if you're so absorbed in how other people feel? Just keep plugging along and stomping on everyone in your path - money back guarantee that this'll make you a cynical, miserable person.

2) O.C.D. on technology. This is a great one because when you're constantly listening to your ipod, texting, playing video games, surfing the net - you'll never have the time or energy to invest in people and develop real relationships. In that case, be eternally stuck to that computer screen, man!

3) Never smile at or talk to strangers. That way, you can continue to believe that everyone around you is a selfish, stupid, raving lunatic ensuring that you'll miss lots of opportunities to get know a number of fine people that could brighten your day or even potentially change your life.

4) Play the blame game. Remember, it's not your fault (snicker, snicker). It's your mother's fault; your co-worker's fault; your partner's fault; your kid's fault; the Democrat's fault; for pete's sake it's Bush's fault that your out of work, getting a divorce, filing for bankruptcy, suffering from depression, and fighting with your teenager. Okay, so your choicesdohave something to do with your current situation, but just keep pointing the finger. That way, you'll never find a real solution to your problems since the solution can only be found by looking inward.

5) Do it for the love of money. Live to work and make more of those fabulous greenbacks so you can buy your gargantuan house, BMW, boat, and all of those other "got to have" toys that your neighbors across the street have. Ironically, you'll discover that the more you get, the more insatiable your appetite for more becomes because let's be honest - it's not about what you have - it's about having more than the next guy. If you buy into this concept, you'll never be truly content. There's always someone who's going to have more.

6) Whatever you do...don't get married or have children. Statistically speaking, married people live longer, healthier lives. Oh and kids, yeah they're expensive and time consuming, but if you have kids you might find yourself losing focus on the all important "self", helping you develop joy spawning qualities life selflessness and humility. Obviously, this is a problem because, remember, all these points are to help you live miserably. So long as you're always focused on number one, you can retain all the pride and selfishness in the world which, again, are very important characteristics to possess for a genuinely unhappy, unfulfilled life.

7) Eat, drink, and be merry, baby! Indulge yourself. After all, we're all going to die someday. So in the meantime, why not overeat to your hearts content, drink like a fish, and make sure you get your fix of tobacco or some other addictive substance. By the way,doworry about that epidemic of obesity that you keep hearing about and all of the diseases linked to it. Worry is an essential part of being miserable. Not just other people die of type II diabetes and heart disease - you may very well, too! Oh and just so you know the tobacco will absolutely affect you. Liver and lung cancer aren't just silly figments of the medical field's imagination. I know those cigs are expensive and it's inconvenient that you can't smoke in public places, but isn't it worth it? You've gotta love the sensation of one-hundred carcinogens swirling around your blackened lungs.

8) Dishonesty is the best policy. When you're dishonest, it breeds distrust on both ends. Dishonest people are rarely trusted causing all sorts of personal problems in the work place and at home. Also, we generally see the world as we are so you'll figure that everyone else is also a dirty liar which will make you feel that much more angst toward the world.

9) Pessimism. A good dose of this will rip the joy and beauty out of every life experience. I'll put another money back guarantee on this one. This is a no fail principle of misery.

I'd make it an even ten, but just to aggravate you, I'm going to leave at that. I hope you find these helpful.

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