DEALING WITH DEATH:

RELATIONSHIPS DETERMINE GRIEF

It is a very different experience to lose a spouse, husband, wife or partner who you love and are living with than to lose a spouse if you are estranged, separated or the relationship is full of problems

It is different to lose a child, son or daughter who is at home and for whom you are responsible to teach and raise as opposed to a child who is grown up and has been living on his or her own for several years. While you will always be a parent to your child no matter what age. Your responsibility for that child changes when he/she leaves home to make a life on their own and the nature of the relationship changes.

Life and loss go hand in hand. We all have many losses in our lives. Grieving is the common thread. Bereavement is the process of healing emotions after the death or separation from someone you love. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Feelings of loss are very personal and unique. You are the only one who knows what is important to you. People commonly associate certain losses with strong feelings of grief.

The relationship is one factor in determining the intensity of the grief. When your mother, father, sister, brother, wife, husband, son, daughter or friend dies the relationship you had with her/him will determine the strength and duration on your grief.

The death of someone you are living with is much more traumatic and the grieving process is prolonged as the habits of being in the same space must be broken and adjusted to. Little things like where your loved one sat at the kitchen or dining room table, what side of the bed she slept on, preparing his favorite foods, shoes left out or put away.

Then there are the personal possessions issues to be deal with like clothes, nick-knacks, books, jewelry, maybe vehicles and furniture. Final bills need to be paid, notification of distant friends, magazine subscriptions are more reminders of your loss.

If your son or daughter dies you have the toys, clothes, bedroom and friends to cope with.

Special days like birthdays, anniversary, Christmas and other holidays are especially difficult the first year after the death. Most people dread the approaching holiday but are grateful after they pass. After the day is over you will feelreliefthat you got through it. You may reminisce and remember past celebrations making your pain worse. The next year will be easier and in time new memories will replace the old painful ones.

The first year will be a time of emotional turmoil and change. Your feeling will be so close to the surface that you may be surprised to find yourself crying at the drop of a pin or the sound of a familiar voice, mistaken for your loved one's voice.

On the other hand you may grieve very little or not at all for a relationship that is distant, casual or had less emotional connection to you. An aunt, uncle, grandparent’s death may affect you very little.

I was 13 when both of my grandmothers died. I was closer to my maternal grandmother and went to her funeral. I was deeply touched and sad by losing her. My father’s mother on-the-other-hand and lived in another state and I had little contact with her in my young life. I didn’t go to her funeral and her death barely touched me emotionally.

Relationships within a family are impacted when a member dies. If a son or daughter dies the parents are devastated and often so emotionally drained in dealing with their personal grief that they don’t have the foresight or energy to deal with the grief of other family members.

Men and women tend to grieve differently. Women are more apt to express their feelings overtly by crying, and talking about the death and their feelings. Men tend to internalize their feelings and use escape tactics to bury or hide their feelings, alcohol and sports are havens for hiding.

Siblings of a child who had died are left out and their feelings of grief are overlooked even ignored. It may take a sensitive relative, friend, neighbor or teacher to realize that they are in emotional pain too and need to have their grief recognized.

The situation is similar when a parent dies. For at least the first year the surviving spouse will be in a state of acute grief and may not have enough emotional reserves to cope with the grief of her children. Outside assistance with the children is necessary to allow their emotional needs to be met and facilitate healing.

I recommend support groups for parents and children to work on grief issues after losing a sibling, parent or other caregiver. This is a place where professionals can give guidance and support to a grieving child or spouse. Sharing in a group the special circumstances of your loss is therapeutic and healing. There are several very good supports around. Look for one in your community. If you can’t find one start one.