From the time I was a kid, I was different. I couldn't tell you what made me different, but I was very aware of it and so were my peers and teachers who delighted in teasing me. I am old enough to tell you that I was thankful for the Hippie Movement that I stepped into when I went to college at age 18 because everyone was different and that was OK. I didn't know I had Bipolar mood disorder.

It was OK to go without sleep for weeks on end, to sit in trees singing to myself and to go off on all sorts of adventures like Alice did in Wonderland. I also did drugs, was wildly sexual and wound up getting married instead of finishing my education. I thought I was a typical child of my times.

Years later I came to know that I was probably going through the hypomanic highs consistent with Bipolar Disorder Type II.

Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder that might be genetic or caused by events in childhood. Researchers are still debating this. There is evidence that when relatives have mood disorders, people are more likely to have Bipolar disorder and that points toward genetics as the cause.

There are three classifications of symptoms of Bipolar mood disorder .

1. Bipolar Disorder Type Iincludes one or more manic episodes. These episodes are severe enough to be considered psychotic in nature going from an irritable or elevated mood state to spending or sexual sprees and finally breaking totally with reality. There are also those in depressive episodes where they can become psychotic or have thoughts and/or incidences of suicide. I have seen people who had Type I and needed hospitalization, but with the correct medicine, they now lead normal lives.
2. Bipolar Disorder Type IIis less severe. Instead of becoming completely manic, the person becomes hypomanic characterized by optimism, creativity, decreased need for sleep and more energy. People in this phase often don't realize that anything is wrong and they feel wonderful. There are no delusions or hallucinations. Depressive moods are just like that of all other Bipolar depressions and can lead to chronic pain with or without a known cause, lack of desire to do anything, anxiety, guilt and possible suicide. I fit in this category. I spend a lot of time depressed;  but when I am hypomanic, I am very creative.
3. The third type in this classification is calledCyclothymia or Mixed Affective. This is a condition during which symptoms of both depression and mania occur at the same time or cycle often during the year. My son showed signs of rapid cycling until he was on the correct medication.

So what happened when I was finally diagnosed in my 40s after a friend of mine became distressed over my behavior? I was put on a continuously changing mix of medications without anything being done scientifically. I am surprised that I didn't have a bad reaction.

I was given the drug of choice, Lithium, for one month. When I told the doctor the Lithium didn't do anything, he took me off it instead of titrating it to me and none of the other doctors put me back on it. I've been medicated for such a long time that one therapist I visited didn't think I had Bipolar disorder at all.

I will spend the rest of my life living with Bipolar mood disorder . Medications that I take now keep me mainly depressed. I am in constant pain, diagnosed as fibromyalgia. I occasionally get so excited about what I am doing that I almost feel good.

I have to say I have learned more about myself than that I am Bipolar and that the disorder defines me. I am not Bipolar, like I used to tell people. It doesn't define who I am. I have the disorder. I have also learned not to be so hard on myself because of my shortcomings. Even when I am depressed, I remind myself that I am still OK. I have also surrounded myself with self-help books on living with the disorder and these help, too.