Relationship Advice - How to Make Yourself Irresistible

I've learned a secret about what's going on 99% of the time when someone is not giving you the respect, admiration, or love you want. It's a secret that probably not in 1 in 1,000 people will ever figure out on his own.

Think about the last time you felt unappreciated at home or work. Didn't at least part of your distress stem from the fact that you had no idea why this person wasn't responding to you?

I think the reason why we don't figure out the secret to making ourselves irresistible is that it's the opposite of what we've been taught about relationships.

Let me explain...

Most of us are taught that when a relationship is struggling, we should be extra nice, thoughtful, and giving. These are wonderful qualities, and we should all strive to have them. In my view, these qualities enhance all relationships.

However, they are usually not the key to getting respect, appreciation, or love from people who are withholding it from you.

The Circle

In Stop Your Divorce, Homer MacDonald explains the metaphor of the circle. Take out a piece of paper and draw a circle in it. Then, put the initials of the person you're seeking appreciation from in the middle of the circle. Now, put your own initials outside the circle.

Here's how the circle works.

Whenever you are inside another person's circle, this person has trouble connecting with his respect, admiration, or love for you. In the extreme, he may even develop contempt for you.

Whenever you are outside his circle, he appreciates you. He is attentive and considerate. He goes out of his way to connect with you.

The key to making yourself irresistible to someone is to stay outside his or her circle. The circle applies to all relationships: your friends, your lover/spouse, your co-workers, and your children.

How We Get Inside the Circle

We get insider another persons circle by sucking on his energy in conversation. There are many ways to do this, but the top four are: being clingy, being controlling, being passive, and being critical.

Here are some examples of how we drain other people of energy:

1) We talk too much. Many people over-talk and cannot seem to stop this annoying behaviour. Picture James Bond, 007. Can you imagine him over-talking?

This says, Please give me your attention.

2) We talk about ourselves in an effort to impress people.

“You work for Microsoft? I know their Vice-President of Human Resources.

This says, Please give me your approval.

3) We act victimized and cold when we think some is not giving us the time or attention we think we deserve. We say things like, I just want you to put in a little effort.

This says, Please show me I'm worthwhile.

4) We are overly giving, and set aside our personal needs. I'd really rather go somewhere else, but it's no big deal.

This says, 'I want your approval so much I'll put you ahead of me. Now, in return, please give me appreciation I want.'

5) We criticize people in an effort to control them. Why don't you get a job at the golf course this summer? It's better than being on MSN all day.

This says, Please turn into someone different so I can feel good about myself.

6) We become clingy and dote on people with over-the-top affection: You're the most magnificent woman I've ever seen, and I can't believe how lucky I am.

This says, I'm not sure I'm worthy of you.

When we drain people of energy in these ways, we get inside their circle, and they gradually stop pursuing us for time together. This hurts our confidence, because we do not know why we are being rejected.

The beauty of the circle is that you can always jump outside it and become irresistible again. The other person will immediately appreciate you more, and you will feel a dramatic boost of confidence because you are more effective in the relationship.

Confidence Exercise

For the next three days, I want you to carefully how much energy you seek from others in conversation. Try initiating less contact with others and see if they seek you out. Beware of trying to impress others; cease all attempts to control others. Do not criticize them, either. Do respond to the overtures of others in an interested way.

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Your friend, Lisa Lane Brown

PS - My book, The Courage to Win: A Revolutionary Mental Toughness Formula - How to Master Yourself to Make More Money, Fast Track Your Career and Win in Love is now available. The book ships immediately--and if you order now, you can get my CD, The Courage to Win in Relationships: How to Make Yourself Irresistible with FREE shipping.