It is the internalisation of an external event that creates anger, disappointment and frustration.  When something becomes internalised it involves you as if it is you.

When you do a job you must not internalise that job as a kind of emotion. If you do, you suffer from negative emotions it creates. When you wash your windows you do not internalise the act of washing Windows as a matter of love or hate.  You get the good feeling from washing your Windows because they will open a brighter sky to you.  When an event happens which is outside you, it is not about you.  It may be able to affect one aspect of your behaviours but it is not about your person.  It is not about you as a person.  It may be one action that you have carried out or somebody carried out.  When you fix your car it is an action that you carry out.  Of course you want to do it in the best way possible.  But that is another job that you do like many other things.  You must not internalise that.  You must not make it part of your life.  When you go and focus on preparing a report you use all your skills to make it a good one.  But again this is another thing that you do.  You must not internalise that.  You must not make it equal to yourself, to your person, to your life.

If you involve yourself personally and emotionally in what you do, you become extremely vulnerable to disappointment and frustration.  Frustration is the result of actions that do not bring the desired consequences.  When you expect something to happen and it doesn't happen you get personally involved and get frustrated.  You can do something without getting involved in it.  You may not do anything but still be involved in.  It is lack of emotional involvement that frees you from anger and frustration.

Getting involved has two different meanings: the first one is that you involve yourself in what other people do and therefore you become a player in that field. You may get involved in the activities of a club, a charity or a political party.  This means that you are there physically and you do something for the organization.  The second meaning is about making that matter a matter of life and death or of high intensity.  High emotional intensity is only allowed in matters of love and family life.  This is when you care about yourself, about your family and about your community.  In these cases you may invest some of your emotions.  But the important thing is that you do not get involved emotionally in daily jobs and professional matters that are referred to you and you are supposed to do because you have undertaken responsibility.  You feel a high-level of anger if you get involved emotionally in these matters.  Even in matters of great importance, personal involvement is not meant to get emotionally involved.  When you mix your emotions with the job, if you have good feelings you will do that job and if you do not have good feelings you do not do the job.  It is all about how you feel about doing something if you get personally involved in matters which are not emotional matters.

I know people who do not carry out their commitments just because they do not like the person who somehow is related to the job.  This is called professional involvement which causes immense problems. Professional detachment is about doing a task when you don't like it very professionally.  You do it because you like the person or you do not do it because you do not like the person.  You do the job regardless of how you feel about the person.  Your commitment is not to like the task but doing it to the best of your ability, not to the best of your love.  That task that you have undertaken to perform must be carried out to a great level of quality regardless of what you feel and what your emotions are about.  You have to carry it at a very desirable level.  You cannot tell to your boss that you did not do your job because you did not like the person who placed an order.  You cannot tell to your boss that you did not do your job because you did not like doing it.  Yet, we know that a lot of people are too emotional to avoid getting their emotions out of accomplishment of a task.

As soon as doing a task becomes somehow related to your feelings, the problem starts from there.  Your feelings must go out of the way.  When a customer calls you and places and order you have to carry it out whether you like the customers or not, whether you liked the way he talked to you or not.  If you are affected by the way the customers talk and that affects your doing of the job, then you are not professional in your work.  Your professionalism is manifested when you carry out the job when you do not like it at all.  Professional detachment paves the way for achieving excellence and avoiding a lot of unnecessary headaches that you will get from personal involvement.

Reza Hossein Borr is an NLP Master Trainer and a leadership consultant and the creator of 150 CDs and 14 Change management models. He is also the author of Manual Success, Manual of Coaching and Mentoring, Motivational Stories that Can Change Your Life, and a New Vision for the Islamic World. He can be contacted by email: sarawani@aol.com