Family Parenting, Teenagers: One reason for anti-social and "bad" behaviour in kids and teens is virtually never covered! Could it all stem from that source?

Repeatedly we read about parents who are unable to control their kids or teenagers or about difficult teenagers in general. Frequently the advices given looks at how to control or coax the child into cooperation. Sometimes children are so difficult to control they are put on anti-depressants which can create life-long dependence.

The topic isn't new by any means but the violence or anti-social behaviour exhibited seem to be on the increase. As a parent and Senior parent coach I come across this rather frequently. Working with parents/coaches and professionals in social services sector we have put together a programme which has a strong indication of making positive inroads, especially when started early; age 7 onwards.

We also found that it is a very worthwhile guide for parents who have toddlers or children who are doing well.

The programme Xchange has partly been reproduced below and we hope it will help any parent who has difficulties. If you need any help or have feedback you are welcome to contact us.

The Xchange Programme is divided into 2 sections. The below educational programme that can be done in school or at home and can be applied to children of all ages. You may have to vary your explanations to the level of understanding of your child or children or simply implement the programme's main aim in the daily life of the family.

Part 1:

Xchange has been based on the simple principle of our society's foundation. Exchange is the very fabric of our society. People who don't exchange are very much frowned upon in our society; criminals.

The vast majority of our society is working. We have to work, contribute, in some form to be able to receive the agreed and much valued form of exchange: money.

There is no employer who is willing to give us money for nothing nor is there a store willing to give us goods for no money. So to make a living we have to primarily work or find some form of goods or service that people are willing to exchange money with us. In order to explain this to a child or teenager we use a specific technique that is effective and workable, mere explanation usually will not be sufficient. We don't want to lecture but get the child to grasp this fundamental principle.

Furthermore, you may already have observed babies, toddlers from the age 1-3, that they show a great eagerness and willing-ness to help you. From doing the washing, to cooking anything they have observed you doing they will try to “copy” do to. Usually we find their attempts funny sometimes they can get less entertaining when he washes his socks in the toilet. We should allow him to help, always, as it is his way of showing us that he wants help or contribute to the household.

If we stop a child at that age we find his willing-ness to help is reduced gradually and eventually, as nobody can explain to him, why his help is not wanted he will stop wanting to help. He learns to accept the fact he is not helpful to his mum, dad, parents.

The basic instinct or attitude to contribute and exchange is inborn in every one of us. Mum help me, I help mum, naturally. So if we come back to above idea of exchanges, job 4 money, money 4 goods we find this starts from day one. He can observe from day one that you are helping him to grow up, he can’t wait to help you.

In order re-educate the child and that he is indeed of value to us and society we must let him re-discover the truth. This done best as outlined below. Watch your child transform.

Part 1:

Xchange has been based on the simple principle of our society's foundation. Exchange is the very fabric of our society. People who don't exchange are very much frowned upon in our society; criminals.

The vast majority of our society is working. We have to work, contribute, in some form to be able to receive the agreed and much valued form of exchange: money.

There is no employer who is willing to give us money for nothing nor is there a store willing to give us goods for no money. So to make a living we have to primarily work or find some form of goods or service that people are willing to exchange money with us. In order to explain this to a child or teenager we use a specific technique that is effective and workable, mere explanation usually will not be sufficient. We don't want to lecture but get the child to grasp this fundamental principle

1st step:

Explain what exchange means: one gives something for something in return. Make a few examples: Money for grocery goods, Money for holiday, Money for a haircut, Money for play-station game, a teacher teaching children and in return receives money, a taxi-driver driving people to their destination, ...

Get the child or children to make examples especially on jobs for money. When you feel they have grasped it, go to the next step.

2nd step:

Let's take the above examples again and ask the children:

(Get their answer and get them to see that nobody wants to give something for nothing or for the wrong good/services.)

If you paid for a play-station game but it was not working would you want your money back?

If you paid for a haircut but then the hairdresser refused to cut your hair, would this be right?

If you wanted to go to school but the taxi-driver drove you to the doctors, would you want to pay?

If you joined a football club but all you did was play cards, would you want your money back?

If mum asked you to clean the dishes and you didn't do it, would it be right for you to ask for more pocket money?

Again get the child to make his own examples.
The important point to understand here is that nobody wants to give money for nothing or is an employer willing to pay for no work done or bad products produced.

3rd step:

When the above is clear, you get a large piece of paper, A3 is ideal, in a class room or group setting get each child with a big piece a paper and large pens.

Rotate the paper, landscape, and draw on the left, halfway down, side a sketch of a person, representing the child, himself, and on the right side of the paper draw a sketch of dad, mum and any other family member present.

Here then comes the key question to ask:
What does dad/mum give to you? When the child has answered draw an arrow from parent to child and write down the answer on top of the arrow.
Next question: What do you give to your dad/mum?
When the child has answered draw an arrow from himself to the parent and note the answer below the arrow.

Child/Teen <----------------- food ------------------------------------ Parent

Child/Teen --------------------cleaning up toys ---------------------> Parent

Repeat, get him to find as many things as possible. It is a good idea to offer him some answers in the beginning.  Dad gives you a home to live in, mum makes your food, .....

N.B. It can sometimes be better to separate Mum and Dad or fosterparents and do each person
individually.

We find somewhere along this 3rd step that he will brighten up, smile or show some realization of what
is happening here. The idea of exchange is grasped.

N.B. Usually children will name going to school and doing well at school as contribution to their parents. It is good to point out that this is not quite correct, they go to school for themselves, one day they will need their education to make a living.

4th step:

Find ways with him of what he could do to contribute a bit more to the family. Get him to contribute actively on a weekly or daily basis.

See the change happening, sometimes the transformation is amazing.

Our parent coaches recommend it. We work with Parents, teachers/schools and Social Services Consultant to improve the parenting skills of parents and to help with their children/teenager problems. After all, no matter what is happening in the world our children and future generations do deserve a fair chance.

For more information on family parenting and parent coaching also see learning difficulties of teens .