Who Am I?

When I ask this Question, I find that even this body is not mine as it is gifted by my parents, a manifestation of genes of my ancestors in a particular order.

My thoughts are borrowed from my predecessors and all that I have experienced in life, the various shades of emotions and a myriad of books, teachers, friends, acquaintances and people that I have met during the course of my life.

My words are just a plagiarism from everywhere.

So What am I?

Who am I?

Nothing.

Nothing is my own.

This urge to write is itself a need of the hour. Even this is not original.

When all words come to rest and when there is no more need for words and expressions and when I am totally free from all attachments and bondages then perhaps my true self will arise and then I will know what I want in life.

Why is there a huge void when this thought creeps into my mind???? Why is it that great philosophers, “gurus” find it extremely difficult to answer the basic question of my existence????? And when I do not have an answer for it I confuse myself. As rightly said “when you can’t convince someone you can confuse them”.

63 years of independence in India, man has reached the moon, almost conquered the world, superpowers, nuclear powers, economic power but ironically no answer for this simple yearning of a simple man. Huh!!!! Strange…. isn’t it?????

Well…… this void, this confusion is a consequence of gagging my freedom. I am not what I am today because I wanted to be seen this way. I am here because of some ambiguous external pressure, some blind trends in the society, some need of the times and some lack of choices. I have eyes of my own but this is also not truly mine since I have borrowed somebody else’s vision for it. I wasn’t allowed to tread the path less frequented by others.

I am today an engineer in the making because my family wanted me to be one. How can I define my existence when every move of it is dictated by someone else?????

Had someone asked me just once what I wanted to be, where I would want to see myself a couple of years down the line, today I wouldn’t be left like an orphan.  An orphan of thoughts, an orphan of decisions, an orphan of rights, an orphan of dreams. Sadly this is the case with most of the youngsters today. Yes, I would be someone tomorrow knowing that it was not what I had planned for yesterday. Yes I would live knowing that my breath is somebody’s wish, my smile is somebody’s happiness, my education is somebody’s dream, and my choice is somebody’s command.

When silence dawns upon my entire being I will find myself. Till then I need the support of words and expressions. Till then I have to be patient and just be!!!!!!