The real question isn't "should I admit that I've cheated on my boyfriend now that he's gone?" It should be, "what would that really accomplish?" instead. Once you've broken up what would be the motivation for telling him something that might actually hurt him?

The problem is that there are good and not so good reasons for telling him. You'll have to explore your own motivations to figure out whether telling him or not is a good thing in the end.

When is it good to tell him the truth about your cheating?

1) When he needs to know what went wrong and you need to let him know it wasn't completely his fault. Cheating leaves a divide in the relationship. It's a secret that divides you. He'd be blind not to know something is wrong even if he can't figure out what it is. It might give him some sense of closure to know what really happened and not wonder if he did something to cause the withdrawal.

2) When you believe he is hurting because he knows (on some level) and believes that you are not being truthful with him about it. While it might seem like too little too late to save the relationship it can still make a world of difference for how well the two of you relate to one another in the future. It can even impact how well he does in other relationships as a result.

3) When you believe that not knowing will do him more harm than telling him will. Sometimes he just needs to know. While you were together you may have felt that his knowing would have ended things completely. Now that he's left, you might realize that knowing might have changed the outcome and it still might as long as you are honest.

When is it not so good to tell him about your cheating?

1) When you are telling him in anger, out of spite, or to lash out at him. This is a conversation that needs to be had when you aren't sifting through a powder keg of emotion. Explore your reasons for letting him know and don't tell him if it's out of anger, hurt, jealousy, or fear.

2) When you'd only be telling him to relieve your guilty conscience. Guilt is a powerful motivator but nothing good can come out of telling him this unless you really want him back. If that is not the case you might just have to learn to live with your guilt or risk ruining any semblance of friendship the two of you might have otherwise been able to achieve once the heartache dies down a bit.

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