Do you have a sense that your girlfriend or partner restricts your lifestyle with excessive neediness, jealousy, controlling behavior, or by being too demanding. A relationship is a place to build something -- both partners should help the other expand their horizons. Compromises need to be made, but neither partner should have the sense that they are constrained by neediness, jealousy, etc. If your relationship has more in common with a hostage situation than a healthy relationship, you may in a codependent relationship.
You may be in an unhealthy or codependent relationship if your partner:
- Demands to be by your side as often as possible
- Expects you to call her multiple times a day
- Needs to know where you're going at all times
- Shows jealousy over your normal interactions with other women
- Frowns on your having female friends
- Discourages you from spending time with male friends
- Has you walking on eggshells for fear of "slipping up"
- Demands to analyze everything about your relationship
- Pressures you to make commitments for which you're not read, such as marriage
- Acts inappropriately clingy in public or protective
You may be accustomed to her behaving like this, and you might accept that it's just the way she is. It's your choice if you wish to maintain a relationship with someone who acts like this, but it's important to be aware of these behaviors -- they are signs of an unhealthy relationship. When one partner is controlling or unstable, the other partner often experiences negative physical and mental effects from the stress. A lifetime of tolerating this behavior is a miserable existence.
Women who act clingy, needy, or excessively jealous tend to have major self-esteem issues. Since people tend to pair-off with partners with similar levels of self-esteem, you may have such issues of your own. You can address your own self-esteem issues later, but first, you must determine if your partner's level of neediness, jealousy, etc., is something you wish to address.
In a healthy relationship, each partner is comfortable bringing up problems, so address these issues with your partner if you're able to do so. Let her know that you are feeling boxed-in because of the way she tries to tightly grip the reigns of the relationship. Tell her that a sense of freedom and independence is important to you, and you're not feeling that because of the way her behavior is effecting you.
However, many men in relationships with controlling women feel uncomfortable bringing up issues. In fact, they're scared of discussing things like this, as she may overreact or respond in a way that causes more disruption. If you wish to stay in the relationship, you may need to address these issues with a third party, in a setting where you know you can speak your mind without fear of negative consequences.
What if you have no desire to maintain this relationship? Are you putting off the inevitable? Do you have the sense that eventually you will leave your partner, though now is just not the right time. With a birthday coming up, a parent who is ill, or an important interview on the horizon, you just can't leave her now in her time of need. The truth is, there is never a good time to leave, and if you think you're staying for her benefit, you're wrong: You're wasting her time when she could be on the road to healing and eventually finding a new relationship. If she's of child-bearing age, she may have her biological clock to consider, so if you don't want a life with her, it's important that you let her go.
So many men stay with controlling women because they can't find the strength or the will to leave. The man wants out, but several reasons keep him stuck:
- He can't stand the thought of hurting her
- He fears that she won't be able to handle the break up, and she might do something drastic
- He can't stand to see her cry
- He fears that she will go berserk, and may try to ruin both their lives
- She relies on him for a place to live, a ride to work, etc.
- They have a common lease, dog, etc.
- They are engaged and the family and friends expect a wedding
There are many more reasons why you might feel stuck in an unhealthy relationships, but they usually have the same theme in common: You feel responsible for her, can't stand hurting her, and feel that she may not be able to handle life without him. These are not valid reasons for staying in a relationship. If this describes you, you need to take action to leave the relationship -- see my site and find my guide to do just that, even if it seems impossible right now.
Michael Freeman, M.A., helps men get UNSTUCK from unhealthy relationships. Go here to learn more:
