Of all the emails that I get, the ones where the husband has actually finally asked for the divorce are usually the most emotional.  Typically, the wife has known that things aren't going well and that one or both people are unhappy.  But, actually hearing your husband say the words "I want a divorce," are like a punch in the gut, whether you were expecting them or not.

The worries that the wives have run the gauntlet.  They don't know how they will make it on their own.  They don't want to raise their children alone and be single parents.  And most of them still love their husbands and want desperately to save the marriage, but they fear that it's going to be too little, too late. I do get a few women who are very angry and are telling themselves "good riddance," but often I find that the anger is a mask for other emotions that they just can't face right now.

At the end of the day, most people want to save their marriages but just aren't sure if it's possible.  This article will offer tips and advice for saving your marriage even though he's told you that he wants a divorce.

Try To Take The Middle Ground And Stay Rational: The bottom line is always this.  If you're going to save your marriage, you're going to need access to your husband.  And, you're going to need for him to be receptive to you.  He's going to need to eventually listen to what you say and actually consider it.  There's very little chance that this is actually going to happen if he knows that every time he's around you, it's going to be uncomfortable.  You can't repeatedly question, beg or confront him, because if you do, he's only going to want to make his escape more quickly.

You're probably thinking that this is going to require you to be an award winning actress.  Maybe.  What it really required is for you to train yourself to take a step back and to take a deep breath before you interact with him.  Unload in your journal or with your friends, but save the calmest, most rational version of yourself for these encounters. Because every time he sees that discomfort isn't going to ensue every time he's around you, he becomes just a little more receptive to you and his perception of you changes.  This is what you must have for any kind of plan to work.

Make Sure He Thinks That You Aren't Going To Try To Change His Mind:When I tell many people this, I lose them, at least temporarily.  They say things like "well, that's the whole point, isn't it? I don't want a divorce.  Of course I want to change his mind."  Of course you do.  But, he can't know that.  Because if he does, he's going to take everything that you say with a grain of salt, knowing that you're trying to manipulate him and get him to do something that he doesn't want to do.

And, of course he's not going to believe that you're going to just lay down and not fight for your marriage.  Your past behavior has probably shown this to be untrue.  But, there is a way to validate what he's said without agreeing that every word of it is true.  Agree that the marriage, as it stands, is not fulfilling or acceptable for either of you.  But, explain that you disagree as to whether it can be saved or not or is worth saving.  With that said, you concede that you can't control how he thinks and feels and you understand and support his need to be happy.  Tell him that you want to coexist on good terms no matter where that leads.

This terrifies a lot of people.  They feel that this is really giving up or going out with a whimper rather than a raised voice. The truth is, the plan is for you not to go out at all.  But, frankly, you have a lot of work to do.  And, you're not going to get the chance to do it if you and your husband are on opposing sides.  By validating him, you've, in a sense, become partners with him.  You seemingly want the same things – for the situation to improve and for you to both be happy.  I'll bet you're thinking, "yeah, well, he's the only one who's happy here."  But, understand that if you play your cards right, this is going to change.

Speaking Of Happiness:Since you've told him (or will) that you both deserve to be happy, you have to follow through so he'll come to believe and trust in what you say.  So, you need to get out there and legitimately do what makes you happy and make sure that he knows you're doing it.  See your friends.  Take care of yourself.  Improve your appearance.  Do whatever makes you feel good about yourself and increases your confidence.  This serves several purposes.  First, it just makes you feel better about yourself.  You're showing yourself that you have enough respect to not wither up and give up on life.  Second, it is the next part of a workable plan – presenting your best self to your husband. Third, men find confident women much more attractive to those who are sitting at home with a pint of Ben and Jerry's.  Never let him see you this way, even if you are doing it on the sly.

Once You Get His Interest:It's very rare that the husband doesn't come around or call or something at this point because he's curious.  Just a very short time ago, you were someone completely different, someone he likely found undesirable and though you were talking about his happiness, here you are seemingly having the time of your life – focusing on YOUR happiness. What's up with that?  Finding the answer is usually just too enticing to pass up.  He'll often be too curious to just ignore this.

So, when he does come around, you have to play this flawlessly.  Do not revert back to past behaviors.  Do not press him or beg to "work through" your issues.  Your very small goal is to just end every interaction positively – so that you both come away from it wanting to repeat this process.  If you push, he's going to pull away, sensing that this is a trap.

You'll need to take baby steps to lay on foundation on which you can very gradually show him that the people who used to love each other can still relate in the same way and that things can definitely get better. In this way, he changes his mind on his own, in his own way, in his own time. So that the result is someone who is back  because they really want to be and not because you forced them to, but their heart really isn't in it.

When I was trying to save my own marriage, my husband's mind was made up. He was moving forward with the divorce. Because of my fear and panic, I made a lot of mistakes – my anxiety and desperation were very obvious. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to restore my husband's love and not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. You can read a very personal story on my blog at /