In child custody cases mothers have always had the upper hand. Unwed fathers, on the other hand, have always faced a seemingly insurmountable uphill battle. What chance does an unwed father stand against the argument of the mother-child relationship? If you plan your strategy right, the answer is a very good one.

The problem that unwed fathers have always faced with child custody is that the mother-child relationship has always been treated as sacred and untouchable. In recent years however, the “best interests of the child” has become the yardstick that all decisions are based on. Since this is the yardstick, we need to adjust our thinking to fulfill this mandate.

Let’s begin with the premise that the most important interest of the child is the child’s relationship with their parents. That being the case, the court wants the child to have access to both parents, in so much as it serves the “best interests of the child”.

If parents get along well, communicate easily, and work together to parent the child, then joint legal and physical custody, and near equal visitation are easy to have awarded by the court. Of course if this were the case, you wouldn’t be reading this article because you would already have solved your custody issues. But think about the premise that makes sharing equal time possible in this scenario. The premise is that the parents are not in conflict about raising the child. Since they are not in conflict there is no reason to award sole physical custody or most visitations to one parent.

Now let’s look at the unwed father who is in conflict with the mother. Why would the court award custody or equal visitation to parents who are living in constant battle and turmoil? They wouldn’t because it is NOT in the “best interests of the child”.

You on the other hand have a high conflict relationship with the mother, so where does this leave you, out in the cold unless of course you can provide a low conflict environment for the child. But how do you get a woman who is very willing to be high conflict with you, to be low conflict? The answer is, you don’t need to.

Here is where the strategy comes in. You can take an approach know as “Parallel Parenting”. You need to show the court that you are a parent who is involved in your child’s life and that you have minimal contact with the mother. The only contact you should have with mother should be in writing, email if possible. Share grades, doctor’s notes and any information you get. Don’t respond to any negative emails. Ask the court, if you need to, to create boundaries for both of you that will limit the opportunity for high conflict encounters (contact only by email, no contact on exchanges, etc). Spend time at school, help coach a sports team, host birthday parties. Make sure you are involved.

What you have just created is a drama free zone with rich activities to share time with your child. This is just what the court envisioned. For the court to deny lots of time to a devoted father who has made great efforts to create a great environment from chaos would NOT be in the “best interests of the child”.

This will be the hardest job you will ever undertake, but will be the most rewarding.