You really want to be prepared to answer mediators questions about parenting skills and styles if you expect to have a shot at an a successful custody agreement. If you have tried co-parenting with your ex but had it create more problems than solutions, then you may want to try a different approach.
Co-parenting is the “buzzword” that is always bantered about when people talk about parenting children after divorce. This is a great solution for parents that have low conflict relationships and can openly communicate about parenting issues. When high conflict parents try this and fail it is called Conflicted Parenting. Conflicted Parenting can be devastating to a child and cause tremendous problems.
Face the facts, if parents are high conflict, it may be in the best interest of the child to have less back and forth. It may be better to have one parent have the child for school and activities because the parents are too conflicted. The stakes are just too high to let the battle get in the way.
High conflict relationships seem to have a life of their own. Anything and everything seems to set off a firestorm. Even the slightest issue about the child will create a tempest that even Zeus could be proud of. So how do you approach this seemingly insurmountable obstacle of such an important element in your child’s life? The answer is known as Parallel Parenting.
The first step to implement Parallel Parenting is to disengage from the other parent. The second step is to develop independent relationships with your child’s teachers, coaches, doctor, and friends. You don’t want to rely on the other parent for your information.
Be prepared to take turns taking your child to the doctor, the dentist, and haircuts. If you receive report cards, make sure you make a copy and forward it to the other parent. Do the same with medical records, sports schedules, and other extra-curricular activities. If the ex is late for an exchange, let it go. Don’t argue over whose turn it is to do what. Time is on your side.
When it comes time to meet with the mediator and talk about custody and visitation schedules, you will be miles ahead if you can be honest about the high conflict relationship and the comfort of your parallel parenting plan. Document your relationships with teachers, doctors, and friends whenever possible. If you can help with a project at your child’s school and get a thank you card, hang onto it. If you can coach your child’s soccer or little league team do it. Show copies of immunization records. Most importantly, show that you are involved in your child’s life.
