Society tells us that we should be responsible people. We should be loving and supporting parents. And of course we should always do the right thing even when it may cost us in some way. So what happens when a single man fathers a child with a married woman? This is certainly a messy situation, but should the same moral tenacity be rewarded? It should but that isn’t the way it plays out.  Based on a true story, a father was told to walk away.

This man had a certified paternity test in hand. Was willing to raise his son and was anxious to support him financially. But the mother preferred to take assistance from the state and deny that he was the father.  His first consultation with an attorney ended with him being told that he simply should give up trying to get custody or visitation with his child because he likely would not get it and he would end up being financially responsible. But he me asked for advice and here is what I told him.

Thank you for not giving up on establishing a relationship with your son. As you know, this will cost you monetarily, but like so many fathers before you, we would gladly give up the money in exchange for our child.

There are two steps you can take to get started.

1: Head down to the welfare office with your documentation. Let them know that your sons mother is collecting assistance from the state and that you are the father and can prove paternity. This should get the wheels in motion. Depending on your state they may send you to the DA to make a statement, they may order another test, or in some other way establish paternity.

2: Head to your county courthouse. You don't need an attorney (they can be helpful but are not absolutely necessary). You need to open a case. Then you need to file a motion asking for joint legal and physical custody. If the state has done the leg work of establishing paternity first, this will be much easier. If the state does not establish paternity (from your discussion at welfare), then you will need to petition the court for a paternity test. Once you establish paternity, then you can go after legal and physical custody (My guess is you are only looking for Joint custody).

As the attorney you spoke to alluded, this will not be easy. But let me assure you it is possible. Your best shot is to educate yourself about how the court processes work. Then put together a plan for yourself.