Saving Your Marriage Today: 7 Tips to Speaking the Man’s Language of Respect
by Nina Roesner
With 50% of marriages today ending in divorce, and many of those that remain struggling, one wonders how to be successful in this critical relationship. Research shows that for men, one of the primary problems is a lack of respect from their wives. In a recent study, 74% of men would rather feel alone and unloved than disrespected. Unfortunately, many wives simply do not understand the importance of this relationship skill, nor do they have the tools with which to apply it. We have put together a short list of the “7 Tips to Respect,” based on the successful methods employed by the wives in our classes.
Tip 1: Avoid Critical Communication
Instead of criticizing her husband for forgetting to finish a project, Mary Beth decided to thank him for promising to help her with it. Her husband realized he forgot, and got to work. She avoided being critical and he avoided feeling disrespected. She also got what she wanted without creating a conflict.
Tip 2: Avoid Disrespectful Non-Verbals
Sharon has the same condescending look for her husband as she does for her 3 year old. She noticed a radical change in her husband when she caught herself rolling her eyes when her husband shared an idea with her. “He shut down almost immediately,” she reported. “I knew that if I wanted intimacy with him, I needed to watch what my face was communicating to him!”
Tip 3: Be the Welcoming Committee
“When I walk in the door, it’s like nobody even cares I’m there. Or I immediately get a list of what needs to be done or she rattles through how horrible her day has been. Just once I would like to have someone act like they’re glad to see me. I spend all day working really hard so my wife can stay home and be with our kids, and she doesn’t even care.” A simple, “I’m so glad you’re here! How was your day?” can go so far!
Tip 4: Be His Best Encourager
Turmoil rocked Tom’s work situation. The project he’d been working on had limited resources and the stress of the situation was wearing on him to the point that he found himself waking at 3am and, unable to sleep, leaving for work. His wife, Nancy found a way to encourage him just by asking him questions about how things were going, listening, and reminding him of his strengths. She also told him that she knew he’d be able to work it out. His project eventually ended well, and she credits her support with their marriage remaining intact throughout the difficult time.
Tip 5: Tell Him You Respect Him
Bonnie knows the one thing her husband absolutely loves is a hot breakfast. Several times a week, she gets up in the morning to cook for him, and sees him out the door. “Thanks for looking for work today,” she tells him as he heads out to an interview or networking meeting. “I appreciate and respect you for persevering and not giving up,” she reminds him. “If I’m communicating a lack of confidence in him, that doesn’t help him find a job,” she says. “He needs to know that no matter what he faces out there, I’m still his number one fan.”
Tip 6: Avoid Arguing with Him
“What I get at work is a bunch of people who hear me out in a respectful way, even when they disagree. What I get at home is a woman who thinks I’m a complete idiot. She has her way of doing things, and even when I try to help her she criticizes the way I do it. So why bother? I’m at the point now where I’d rather spend time at work than at home.” We need to ask ourselves how important an issue is before choosing to disagree or argue about it. Accepting that there are different ways to accomplish the same thing will grow our relationship.
Tip 7: Ask His Advice
Even though Jeanine has a background in human resources and management, she frequently finds herself dealing with circumstances she hasn’t faced before. Asking her husband for advice has proven to be beneficial for both of them. “He has immense business knowledge and his perspective is excellent. He appreciates me asking his opinion, too.” Any time we ask others for advice, it communicates that we value their thoughts.
Bottom Line: Respect is a man’s language and many feel it is lacking in their relationships with their wives. Want to improve your marriage? Learn the language of respect!
