To all the Givers of Grace, you who helped me become human again, who loved me when I felt unloveable and who continue to love me in good days and bad.
It is hard to live alone, with no best friends near by, no one to cry with, laugh with, share my joys with. I struggle to find my true self, to find what my God is calling me to do with my life.
So I come to you, my friends, my family, my connection to sanity. You may not be here in person, although you are as close in my soul and my spirit. You are in my dreams. My dreams are comforting, consoling, often filled with laughter, tears and a true embrace from those who value my existence on this earth. Then I awake to a world of craziness and constant struggle. Struggle to make ends meet, Struggle to be heard, Struggle to stand strong and determined to live my life as I am called to.
Those without eating disorders, try to understand, they work hard and they do their best.When people tell me how good I look,I end up spending time in front of the mirror wondering if they were telling me the truth.
It is not the same as turning around to see your faces, ready to hold my hand when I am afraid, to be the "perfect" hug, and the perfect smile. To have you there when I want to run, and you allow me to run right into your arms, and even when I "feel" as though I should be "done" and that I am "fine" you remind me that I am "human".
I try so hard to be strong, Strong in faith, spirit, leadership, and motivation. Some times I can't do it and I am afraid to tell you, those who know me best. I am afraid that sharing the darkest words of my soul will vanish you from my life forever.
I can't do this alone and I realize that. Once a dedicated woman ready to wipe out this cunning, baffling and powerful disease, I sit here after eating too much and then still eating and so wanting to purge, although I don't. Seeing the scale I "feel" as though it is actually "calling" my name. I fight the urge constantly.
Having the courage to aske the nurse at the doctors whether or not I really "need" to get weighed and then having the other nurse ask me "you're not going to get that disease where you start losing and can't stop are you?" and to respond with "I am actually recovering from that disease and that is why I don't like to get on the scale (backwards or even at all)" She apologized later and said she didn't mean to offend me-it is just that she is so proud of me and all the hard work I have done. That made me "feel" good and then I starting thinking about all the times I wasn't "good", the times I slip and let ED get ahold of me.
I need your strength, your support, your love. I need you. On the days I wonder why I went through the pain of getting treatment and did it really make a difference, I remember you. On the days when I feel as though everything is the same in my life, I remember you.
