Understandably, there are some words and phrases in the life of your marriage that can bring fear and panic into your heart like no other. Some examples of these dreaded phrases are: "I'm no longer in love with you," "I don't want to be married anymore," "I've fallen out of love," or "I'm thinking about a divorce." And, to many spouses, all of these phrases are basically saying the same thing: "we're headed for divorce because we can't stay married if one of us has fallen out of love."
It's logical to feel this way. We're brought up thinking that romantic love is really the only thing that we need to see us through the long haul. So, when this "being in love" safety net is pulled out from under us, it can be a horrifically scary, lonely place to be. But, it truly doesn't need to be the end of the marriage. I know this from personal experience and from extensive research. So many things contribute to a person believing they are either or "in love" or they are not. I'll discuss some of these beliefs below and will tell you how to handle it when your spouse tells you he's fallen out of love when you want to save the marriage.
Dating Is The Perfect Scenario For Being In Love, Marriage Makes It Harder:I don't mean to be negative when I make this point. In fact, I'm hoping that by making the point, I'll be able to show you that it's not necessarily that your spouse has lost his love for you, it's more likely that it's the scenario and the environment that is at play.
When you first met your spouse, at some point, both of you decided to jump in feet first. You were receptive to positive feelings between you, looked forward to your time together, and were willing to brush other obligations to the side – at least for a while. Nothing else mattered at that time. You're willing to put off your friends, your family, your job, and your other interests because the pay off – the feelings that the other person is eliciting within you – are new, exciting, and pleasurable. So of course you're going to do everything in your power to participate in and prolong this cycle.
But, eventually real life has to set in at some point. This doesn't mean that you love your spouse any less. It just means that there's a house payment to make, there's perhaps some children in the fray, an aging parent or two, and bosses or responsibilities that can no longer be put off. Thus, the environment that makes it necessary for this state of being in love to change. To put it very bluntly, I am of the belief (because I lived it), that falling out of love is often nothing more than prolonged neglect. Often, this is no one's fault and you don't see it when it is happening. It's just an unfortunate reality in today's fast paced, hands off society.
Restoring The Time And Attention While Still Being Genuine And Believable:I could go on and on about how neglect and a lack of focused quality time together greatly contribute to falling out of affection. But, hopefully I have already made that point and can now tell you how to strike the balance between getting the attention back while not appearing like you're coming out of left field or are being phony.
I have so many wives tell me things like: "what you're saying does make sense, but if I suddenly turn on the attention, he's going to know that something is up. He's going to look at me like I've lost my mind." I always answer with something like "maybe, but only if you appear insincere or go over the top with it." There's a really delicate balance that you have to strike, but you can almost always meet this when you act on feelings that you genuinely have. Stop and think a minute about the things that you care about, are interested in, and appreciate about your spouse. Find your common ground (other than your children or household chores) and work from there.
You can be very sincere by asking about your spouse's day, their feelings, or to elaborate about statements they've willingly made. You can then follow up on their responses with genuine interest. Build up slowly and always be sincere. Then, focus on doing things that you can both enjoy and get excited about. Everyone has something. When people tell me that there's nothing that both they and their spouses enjoy, I always have them think back to when they were dating. Sure, maybe you went to some sporting events and you're no sports fan, but you had fun because of who you were with and because your pay off was spending time with who you loved.
Make Sure You're Still Displaying The Things That Your Spouse Fell In Love With In Order To Save Your Marriage:Sometimes, when I'm talking to wives about this falling in love business, I'll use shows likeThe Bacheloras an example to show that if all you have to concentrate on is the person that you are with (or have been rejected by, in some cases), you can fall in and out of love pretty easily.
Still, no one can argue that there were things that drew you to your spouse and vice verse. Maybe it was your sense of humor or upbeat attitude. Maybe it's because you made them feel alive, worthy, and valuable because you're an engaging listener. Whatever it was that brought about that "spark," you must make sure that you show them this same combination today.
I know that you're juggling more things, have more responsibilities, and find it harder to always be upbeat and smiling. Still, always ask yourself if you can bring forth the type of person that you yourself would like to be married to. Every one wants someone who listens, who shows respect and affection, and who places them somewhere at the top of life's list. If you can do these things and create pleasurable shared experiences over time, I very much suspect that you will both be "falling back in love" in the future.
It broke my heart when my husband told me that he'd fallen out of love with me. He felt a divorce was imminent. I knew that it wasn't and I refused to give up. But, for a long time I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but to save our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at /
