When wives write to me asking for advice about how to handle their husband's declaration that they aren't in love anymore, they often act as if they are telling me a deep dark secret, or are admitting news so awful it's as if someone died. Often, they think that the something that is dead is the marriage, and not the feelings (of being "in love") that define it. And, most people's minds will automatically skip to divorce in this scenario, thinking that if the husband isn't in love anymore, then there really is no longer any glue to hold it together.
I'm here to tell you that it's absolutely possible to save a marriage even when one spouse has "fallen out of love." Often no longer being in love is nothing more than the result of a long time of neglect. But, successfully returning your attention to what is important and displaying the person that your husband first fell in love with so that they can create shared experiences with you will often go a long way toward rekindling these feelings. Once this step has been taken, it's then time to address returning the commitment and intimacy while working through the issues that got you here in the first place. I'll discuss this more in the following article.
What Makes Up "Being In Love":People often think that falling in love has everything to do with some karmic chemistry which occurs only between a few people in a lifetime. While everyone is drawn to someone else for specific reasons (and typically only a few will meet your own unique criteria), being "in love" often is helped along quite a bit by both parties' willingness to be fully present and to be open to what's happening between them.
Think about it. If you think that you can only love someone once in a lifetime or only under the right, rare condition, just think of shows likeThe Bachelor. You put people in a house and set them up to be receptive to finding their soul mate. You strip them of any responsibilities and stressors that would get in the way of this. All they have to worry about is getting dressed up, going out and having a good time, and intimately getting to know the bachelor on the show. And, how many of them develop very deep feelings that blow them away? Almost all of them. Why? Because they've been able to duck out of their responsibilities and focus only on one another.
Now, please don't misunderstand me. I know that this isn't reality. I know that the excitement of the camera and of being chosen as "the one" all play into this. But, I hope that I've still been able to make the point. If you and your husband were relieved of all of the burdens of everyday life and could only focus on having fun together and experiencing things which deepened your relationship (we're talking going to exotic locations and delicious restaurants and no responsibility to do anything but deeply experience it ) how "in love" do you think you'd feel as the result? It would be hard not to get caught up in the excitement. And, as you already know that you and your husband once gelled and had chemistry, so the result of this would likely be a pretty sure thing.
Admittedly, I know that you can't dodge your responsibilities. Most all of you have jobs and commitments and I know that some of you have children. But, I'll bet you can make the effort to create the shared experiences that brought you here. I'd be willing to believe that, just for a little while, you can make a vow to just focus on the man or woman right in front of you for just a little while. I promise you that it will be worth it.
How Can I Do All Of This When He Doesn't Love Me Anymore And Isn't Receptive To Me ?:I often have people respond that at least some of what I say makes sense, but they still feel hopeless because they can't imagine how they are going to do all this when their husband looks right through them rather than at them. They often tell me things like "I'm just going to be wasting my breath because he doesn't even really interact with me anymore. He probably wouldn't even pay attention or notice."
Often, you will have to slightly disarm them and take very small steps toward the goal. You can sit them down and tell them that you have heard what they've said to you and that you respect what they are saying. And although this deeply hurts you because you love them and very much want to save the marriage, you can not control or manipulate how they feel and that you respect them too much to even try. But, you can tell them that they are important enough to you that you'd like to at least restore some of the positive feelings in the relationship no matter how it turns out. You want to be proud of the way that you handled this and if you should have to part down the road, you want there to be no hard feelings, only good memories.
Please don't think that I just told you to give in. I absolutely didn't. But, this step is necessary because you need to change things up. And, they need to know that you aren't going to try to manipulate them because they will stop avoiding you as a result.
The next step (once they begin to be receptive again) is to move very slowly and to show them that you are still the lighthearted, fun, attentive, and alluring person that they fell in love with. It's going to be very hard for them to walk away when suddenly they have someone who is attentive, who is listening, who is laughing and having fun, and who has already shown that he or she cares deeply about their happiness. In this scenario, it's easy to think that they've made a mistake.
Notice that I never outlined how you're going to work through or solve your problems. We need to save that for another time. Pushing for them to slog through what's wrong isn't going to turn their attention to what's right. And that has to be job number one right now.
I will never forget the pain that I felt when my husband told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Still, I refused to give up on our marriage. I changed the way I related to him and eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but to save our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at /
