If your friend is in an unhealthy, isolated, or abusive relationship, what should you do? Can you save your friend from an demanding, controlling boyfriend or husband? How about an overly needy or manipulative girlfriend or wife?
Of course, your actions depend on the context: Is your friend's partner truly dangerous, or is he/she just merely annoying? Many truly unhealthy relationships have some of the same attributes. Does your friend's partner:
- resort to verbal, physical or emotional abuse?
- act manipulative, dictating your friend's behavior?
- have clingy or controlling tendencies, rarely letting your friend pursue independent activities or maintain friendships?
- act extremely jealous, keeping your friend from interacting with members of the opposite sex (or same sex for gay couples)?
- bring your friend down emotionally?
- abuse drugs or alcohol, or have other destructive habits that negatively affect the relationship?
- borrow money and refuse to work, negatively impacting your friend's lifestyle?
Many of these traits are characteristics of an unhealthy -- or codependent -- relationship. Codependent means that at least one partner has an unhealthy dependence on the other. This could, for example, refer to one partner clinging on to the other, or one partner feeling the need to take care of another who doesn't contribute.
It's difficult to watch friends stay involved with someone who isn't good for them. At the same time, criticism of a friend's partner can be an explosive topic, and sensitivity is required. You have several options when you're faced with such a dilemma.
Options:
1)Say nothing- This is usually the wrong choice. If the relationship is necessarily brief (for example, you are on vacation with your friend, and he meets a local girl), then it might be best to say nothing. Otherwise, it's a friend's obligation to at least attempt to keep them from harm.
2)Threaten to take away your friendship-- Depending on the situation, you might have to put your friendship on the line, telling your friend that you just can't stand by and condone what's going on.
3)State your opinion, but continue to be friends-- This is often the best case, but only if your friend can separate your friendship from his/her relationship. If you often hang out with the two as a couple, you are implicitly giving your approval of the relationship.
4)Get a third party involved-- If you feel that your friend is in possible danger, it's important that you get a third party involved, such as mutual friend, your friend's family, or in cases of physical abuse, even the police. The worst that can happen is you realize that you overreacted; on the other hand, you could potentially save his or her life.
In most cases, Option 3 is the best choice. Youshouldexpress your opinion if you think your friend's boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband is harmful for them. After all, that's what friends are for. Even if you have to put your friendship on the line, you can let them know that you will be there for them when they come to their senses.
In the end, you can't rescue a friend from a bad relationship -- they have towantto leave. You can let them know how you feel, be there for them when possible, and provide any resources they might find helpful.
If you have a male friend stuck in an unhealthy relationship, you may want to send him my ebook, A Way Out: A Men's Guide to Leaving Unhealthy Relationships . I help them determine if they're stuck in an unhealthy relationship, and give them a map to help them leave as quickly and compassionately as possible.
Michael Freeman, M.A., helps men get UNSTUCK from unhealthy relationships. Go here to learn more:
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