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It's your fault. You did everything you could to build a good relationship. Physical and emotional investment was not something you took likely. So you gave it everything you had: time, energy, finances and above all trust. But it still did not stop your spouse from cheating on you.
What did I do wrong? That's a question that many people have asked themselves when their relationship goes south. Far too many people unfortunately stop there. But it gets even worse when the person doing the cheating starts playing the blame game.
In her article Negative Consequences of an Affair, Cathy Meyer writes, "When a third party enters a marriage, certain psychological things start to happen in the mind of the cheating spouse. Their thinking becomes skewed in order to justify their behavior. Denial of any wrong doing means shifting the blame and usually it all gets dumped onto the faithful spouse."
If you are not careful you may start to believe it yourself. We are all human so sometimes there is a tendency to idealize things. This can extend to the relationship. Your spouse may be an incredible person whose dreams and charisma can sweep anyone along, particularly if you are at the epicenter. Or it maybe it is just plain old fashion "you love them and want the best for them". Either way their wants above all else is not good for any relationship.
For any marriage to work effectively both parties must respect what the other brings to the table. They also must believe in their own self worth. This is not only an essential element to building a healthy relationship but it also acts as a safeguard against the marriage getting out of balance. You are going to have to fight for it from time to time but in the long run it will be better for the both of you.
Yes you should strive for selflessness when it comes to making your spouse happy. You can always grow to understand and help your spouse with their failings and learn to love them in spite of it. But those same imperfections and weaknesses put them on even ground with you. If they want your love, trust and support than it is crucial they understand it is a two way street. You cannot make them if they do not want to. All you have control over is your actions but if they are as committed to the relationship as you are than the light bulb will hopefully cut on.
None of this excuses their marital infidelity. Having an extramarital affair is arguably the ultimate act if selfishness in a relationship. The point is to not get wrapped up their self centeredness to where you become a glorified employee.
The reality is in many relationships one person will always be the dominate force. If both parties are okay with that then fine. But even in those types of relationships each voice must be heard and allowing the other person to contribute has to be accepted with equal validity and trust. Anything less is not good for any relationship.
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