Every relationship has its own unspoken "rules" by which both people fulfill particular roles in relation to one another. In the best relationships these rules just naturally develop and both people feel comfortable and happy with the security and predictability of the relationship. In the worst of relationships there is a struggle for control or one person wants to stifle and control the other person's free will. This can happen in a relationship before marriage, during marriage, or in a second or third relationship after divorce.
What everyone in a relationship needs to understand is that control does not equal love. If a partner demands to know who you are talking with on the phone, where you are going whenever you leave your home, or insists that you not be friends with people they don't approve of, these are not signs that they just love you so much they want to keep you safe and protected. These are signs of controlling behavior that could be dangerous in the future.
When you talk with abused women many of them report controlling behavior in the beginning of the relationship. Chances are the relationship would have gone nowhere and they would have been spared years of abuse if they had just stood up for themselves back then and not allowed themselves to be controlled.
This is a lesson for everyone! If you are divorced and are getting back into the dating scene, you need to be aware of this important issue. No one deserves to be controlled and there is always an underlying issue that causes the controlling behavior. The biggest issue is their own insecurity – that is, feeling insecure in themselves. This results in an inability to trust.
Insecurity
Someone with low self esteem or perhaps an extreme fear of being abandoned or cheated on may feel very insecure. That insecurity can come out as controlling behavior as they try to give themselves a superficial sense of security. They may control who you are "allowed" to be friends with because they want to limit the chances of you meeting someone better and leaving them.
In more extreme cases an insecure partner may try to control when you leave your home or how late you stay out at night. This is crossing a boundary as you should have the freedom to make your own decisions, pick your own friends, and live your own life even when in a relationship.
Inability to Trust
As a result of feeling insecure themselves, some people have a lot of trouble trusting others, so they may always feel suspicious of what you are doing, where you are going, or who you are talking to. They may also struggle with sharing personal information about themselves and may feel you are asking questions with a pointed finger at times. It can be very difficult to get to know someone on a deep level if they aren't trusting.
Controlling behavior in this case comes in the form of "checking up" on you or maybe trying to control your behaviors and movements so they can keep tabs on you.
Early Signs of Control
Controlling partners can be dangerous in the future, so it is best to pick up on signs of this behavior early on. You may notice a few subtle signs:
* Aggressive questioning about where you are going or what you do.
* Suspicion toward or dislike of your friends.
* Wanting to dominate your time and be alone with you all the time.
* Anger or belittling talk if you don't always agree with them.
A lot of early controlling behavior will be right on the line of unacceptable behavior. If you do not assert yourself and refuse to be controlled, the behavior will cross that line as the relationship moves forward.
© Vanaja Ghose 2010
