Controlling your Rage

Find the source of your frustrations and reduce them. It is important that you make a conscious choice and commitment to shift your anger into a more positive and constructive realm.

Reduce the violent stimuli in your life, such as avoiding violent movies or aggressive friends. Eliminate drugs (such as steroids) and excessive alcohol consumption.

Try to reduce your aggressive and vindictive thoughts towards those who have pushed your buttons. Ask yourself why they managed to touch a raw nerve. Are you perhaps in too much of a hurry? Will you attack anyone who interferes in your goal?

Learn to identify your anger triggers. Keep a diary, noting anything that makes you frustrated and what happened directly before you felt angry. You may find your triggers are more about something in you, rather than something another person does to you.

Monitor your stress levels and find a release. Count to 10, take a deep breath, work out at the gym or take up kick-boxing. By all means, vent your anger, but do it in a safe and controlled manner, without hurting those around you. Other relaxing activities, such as yoga, painting, listening to music, gardening, meditating or even socializing can also help.

Learn to compromise, accept that people are different and be aware of feelings, both yours and others. Be open in communication and clear on your own thoughts. Find ways to avoid situations you know will provoke your anger.

Logically and calmly rationalize and respond to the anger-provoking situation. Ask yourself if you can change or control the situation you are in. Is it worth the time and effort you are exerting on being angry, and can you use that energy for something more positive?

Be accountable for your own actions.

Assess your anger. Are you frustrated, very angry or furious?

If people tend to avoid you, or have commented on your anger, you need to seek professional advice.

Common Scenarios

A car or taxi cuts you off (without indicating). Ask yourself if you are going to allow the other driver to have power over your mood for any amount of time. Will you feel satisfied if you hoot, or swear, or will this only fuel your frustration? Don't rise to the occasion by cutting the other car off - you just put yourself (and the other driver) at risk. You cannot control how the other person drives, but you can be in control of your own environment, by playing vibrant music, listening to a morning talk show or even classical music.

You experience dissatisfactory service at your local store or favorite restaurant or when dealing with a call centre. Assess how much time and energy you wish to spend on alleviating your anger. If the issue is important enough, take it up with the manager. Assert yourself, but don't be the aggressor. Try to look at the bigger picture. Ask if your service provider is under pressure, as this gives them a cue that you have noticed, and they may perceive you as caring, thereby ensuring better service.

If they are completely rude, follow the chain of command. If you experience continuous bad service, use an open forum to vent, such as writing to your local newspaper, phoning into a radio talk show.

Your boss/colleague/friend/partner is being completely unreasonable and will not hear you out. Take a deep breath and count (to 100 if you have to) and excuse yourself from the situation. Remind yourself that you need to assess the situation, understanding what your own needs are and what defenses are being triggered. Do you feel attacked personally or are you feeling judged or unheard?

Organize your thoughts and make sure you are clear about the issues at hand. Try to understand the other view. Will you compromise? Once you have clarity, request a meeting and use assertive techniques (without being overbearing), to explain how you feel. Request they listen to you, and commit to listen to them in return.