I often write about saving marriages. So, when a wife contacts me and expresses concerns about going through with a divorce, that's a tip off to me that there is definitely some uncertainty about this decision. Still, I often have people who write and say things like "I'm not 100% sure that I want to divorce my husband. What if this is a mistake? What if I will regret this?" There are many considerations that goes into answering this question properly. I'll discuss them in the following article.
Cases Where You Might Decide That Divorce Is The Best Idea:I often feel that there are very few cases when divorce is the best choice. However, there are some cases where I think it's the only real healthy option. This includes physical, mental, sexual, or verbal abuse, and addiction that the spouse is not willing to address. If it is dangerous or very unhealthy for you to continue on for the sakes of yourself and you children, then it's best to cut your losses as quickly and as cleanly as you can.
Determining If You Really Want To Divorce Your Husband: Things To Consider:I often tell wives that the one surefire way to know if the divorce is the right option is to check their attitude about it. In truth, if you are indifferent to your husband and your marriage, then this is a good indication that it is truly over. That's rarely the case that I see though. Often, doubts linger. Things are left unsaid. Your pride and your fear of rejection keep you from saying what's really in your heart.
The couples that I see who are truly ready to part in a healthy way wish one another the best and can truly, honestly say that they have no remaining doubts or issues. They can look at their husband and not feel anything - negative or positive. There's no love, affection, frustration, anger, or hurt. You're just indifferent and can wish your spouse the best and truly mean it because you know that they weren't for you.
An Exercise That May Help You Decide If A Divorce Is Really The Right Call:A counselor once had me do an exercise that really helped. She had me close my eyes and envision my life five years into the future. I was to be divorced and going to an event that I might enjoy - a concert, a movie - whatever would be a typical night out. At this outing, I was to run into my husband and his new girlfriend, wife, significant, other, etc. I was asked how I would feel about this. When I did this exercise, I immediately asked the counselor, "well, who am I there with and am I OK and in a good place?" She responded with "That's really going to be up to you."
So, I did the exercise and I didn't like how it made me feel. I didn't want to think of my husband with someone else. I didn't want to think that someone else would be the father to my children. And, I couldn't picture myself in a healthy place is I moved forward with the divorce. I was not getting the indifferent feelings that would indicate that the marriage was really dead.
What Most Divorces Come Down To: Can Your Marriage Be Saved?:Most people who write to me will pinpoint general reasons that they want a divorce: there is too much stress and fighting; you want different things out of life: there was infidelity; there were money problems; you've "fallen out of love," etc.
Almost no one cites the real heart of the matter. Most divorces come down to lessening or a lack of intimacy and the loss of a connection and no longer feeling part of a united team. The reasons for this are varied, but are often the result of the stressors of everyday life that prevent us from putting in the time that is needed to ensure the closeness. We have demanding jobs, tons of obligations, and people who depend upon us. But, think about it. When two people are very tight and deeply in love, everyday stresses don't shake them. Little issues are brushed aside. They cling to one another as a safe haven from the outside world.
So many married couples don't realize that if they can get back to this place, many of the issues that seem so big right now will be much more manageable.
Picking Up The Pieces:Many women will tell me: "what you are saying does make sense. I'm not indifferent to my husband. I do still care. I would like to save the marriage, but I have no idea where to start." I always respond by telling them to start very small. Most people will try to do too much too soon. So, they will feel overwhelmed and pressured. It's better to take things day by day.
Don't try to work out the big problems over night. Instead, just focus on interacting in a positive way. Seek out situations where you can have fun together and can end the evening with a smile on you faces. Don't rush or push. Don't think too hard about where things are going. In essence, you're attempting to recreate the light hearted fun that you had when you were falling in love without putting too much pressure on your self.
In truth, you already know that the two of you can fall in love under the right circumstances - you've already done it once. Now, you just have to repeat the process, confident that when you do, the intimacy and closeness will return and then eventually, everything else will follow.
In my own situation, it was my husband who wanted the divorce. But, I had to evaluate if I wanted to hang in there or just give in. At the end of the day, I chose to fight for my marriage and it was the best decision that I ever made. You can read a very personal story on my blog at /
