I hear from a lot of people who ask me how to know if it's worth the time and effort that it takes to save a marriage when things seem really bleak, there seem to be too many issues between both spouses, and / or they are at a point when it's hard to see a possible solution or improvement. I suppose the underlying worry that many people seem to have is something like "is it really going to be worth it to got through all the work, vulnerability, and effort to save this marriage only to have the efforts not stick or to ultimately fail and then in the end all we're really going to be left with is a stale relationship that hasn't worked for a really long time?"
I suppose that the above scenario would be disheartening and frustrating. But, the real key is creating something that doesn't turn out that way. Yes, it requires patience, commitment, vulnerability, and trying new things. However the pay out can be great and very rewarding. But to get to this place, you truly do need at least some foundation. There has to be something left on which to build or make a new start. And a few marriages are just no longer there. In the following article, I'll go over some signs or tips off that may indicate that the marriage is either worth saving or just isn't likely to be revived.
Can You Still See Or Remember Something That You Used To Love About Your Spouse Or The Marriage?:One of the requirements for rescuing and transforming a marriage is the ability to change your perception or your misgivings / frustration about your spouse and your relationship. You have to be able to see or envision some good attributes to inspire you to keep moving forward.
I do understand that it may be quite a while since you saw your spouse in entirely positive terms. Still, most people can conjure up positive memories, shared experiences, or feelings on which to gather motivation. Because the truth is, with a lot of work and commitment, you absolutely can conjure up these feelings again. You just have to be open and willing to doing so. And, it can take a while for some people to get to this place. I find it very common that one spouse is on board from the beginning but for the other, it can take some time and some positive pay offs until they are able to see the potential that is right in front of them.
Do You Still Have Common Goals, Interests, Or Experiences (Or Are You Willing To Rebuild Them?):Happily married people spend (or should spend) a lot of time together. It really helps to have common goals or things that you enjoy together. And many readers who are asking themselves if the marriage can be or is worth saving no longer have this glue that holds them together are or wondering if what they do have is enough.
Rather than shaking your head and responding "nope, we don't have that anymore," be willing to rebuild it. Enjoying time together is one of the huge perks of being married. You're no longer delegated to doing things solo and you always have a partner.
Of course, if things have been rocky for a while, this prospect may not excite you. But, you have to see the potential and then be willing to dive in. Because what if you could get to a place where you really anticipate seeing and spending time with your spouse again? How much better would that make your life?
Yes, this requires you to put in a lot of time and effort. Yes, there may be some awkward exchanges while you're regaining your footing. But that's OK. Your spouse is the one person that you should be safe to muddle through life with. Honestly, I believe that the number one cause of married couples "falling out of love" or "losing the spark" is nothing short of neglect.
Think about this. When you first fell in love, the equation went something like this. You spend a lot of your spare time together setting up situations where you could have fun and have pleasurable experiences together that you both enjoyed (even though you may have been participating in activities that weren't typical for you or were outside of your comfort zone.) You were still having a good time because of who you were with. You were willing to have an open mind and heart because you wanted desperately for this to work out. Each positive encounter and outcome placed you one step closer to the day you got married and were very closely bonded
How open is your heart and mind right now? How often do you pour yourself into these shared experiences? Are you open to them when or if your spouse does? Because saving your marriage requires for you to be open to again finding this common ground and putting in the time necessary to feed this cycle. Marriages can not survive neglect, but most can be revived if both people are willing to put in even a fraction of the effort that they did when they first met.
Is There Really Nothing Left?:I often tell people who ask if there marriage is really worth saving to envision their spouse walking into a restaurant where they are eating five years from now. Both of you are with other people. How do you feel when you see the other woman (or man) on your husband (or wife's) arm? Very few people will answer "nothing at all" when I ask this question. However, if you truly can, if you're feeling indifferent to the outcome or your spouse, then this can be a tip off that you're at the point of no return. Because anger, resentment, fear, or holding back can all be overcome. These things can actually be a positive sign because they show that you're still feeling emotions. But complete indifference is another story. It can be worked through, but it's a bit more challenging.
However, I sincerely doubt that someone who is taking the time and effort to research "is my marriage really worth saving" is completely indifferent. Your taking the time to weigh your options and not make an incorrect decision shows me that you are in the former category rather than the later. And, I sincerely hope that you now have your answer.
In my own situation, my husband was the one who wasn't sure that the marriage could be saved. He'd even begun the divorce process. However, I suspected that there was something left and I refused to give up. Some things I tried just made things worse, but eventually, I found a combination of things that actually worked well. Over time, I was able to not only restore our "being in love," but was able to save our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at /
