If you just have a music CD collection to divvy up when you divorce, you can do a do-it-yourself divorce.
When you have kids, a house, investments and years of marriage, getting divorced becomes a nightmare. A big part of the nightmare is how you are treated by most family law attorneys. Your life is going to hell and you are just a recurring revenue stream for that attorney to make his Beemer payment, rent on that fancy office and lining his pockets with your hard earned money.
The free half hour consultation is like a first date. They look so good; they have the pedigree, with diplomas up and down the wall. They often paint a better than average picture of the perceived outcome of the ensuing case. Of course they can't guarantee the outcome, but they do sound encouraging. They hand you a few pamphlets and some documents to review. One form they give you is the retainer agreement with an ironclad one way contract in favor of the lawyer if you have a billing dispute down the road. Just make out the $5,000 retainer out to the name of the firm. You can look around, but most family law attorneys are really the same. You may get lucky on your second attorney and find someone who bucks the odds.
Now it is time for an attorney joke.
Excess billing hours
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
Before you go to the expense of retaining an attorney, here are a 8 things a divorce attorneydoesn'twant you to know:
The $5,000 retainer doesn't go far –That $5,000 retainer quickly turns into $30,000 and you haven't even settled or gone to court. More than likely your case will be contested and will drag on. Be prepared for a long drawn out battle. Understand that you are not only dealing with an adversary, your soon to be ex, but your attorney who makes money billing hours and the opposing counsel who makes money from billable hours. You, as the man, are often left paying for your attorney, her attorney and two households. Say goodbye to your savings, earnings and retirement nest egg. Say hello to what I call "divorce debt".
You will kill 20 trees –theamount of paperwork is staggering. You will have boxes of motions, interrogatories, financial affidavit, notices to appear, depositions and bills from your attorney. In this day of electronic documents, you'd think that the legal system would catch on. Every document, even though there is probably a template, cost you $250 to $400 an hour. $400 for the "my shit doesn't stink" attorney who turns on you down the road. Just wait, you'll see.
When did you do that? –When you look at your bill, you'll see the 10 min call to the opposing counsel that really doesn't accomplish much. You are billed for that time. You are billed for all behind the scenes stuff. You don't know how effective this is, because your case is going nowhere. You attorney blames the opposing counsel for dragging it on because they don't respond to that 10 min call message. You are an attorney, figure out a way to get the OC's attention! Right, don't settle it now, you need more billable hours.
Now you tell me –Get the strategy figured out from the get go or the case will drag on. Nope, your attorney will want to get the forest of tree documents done during the first several weeks…there goes the $5,000 retainer on template forms. Completing theses forms will drive you bonkers. It's like going back to college and taking that finance course you avoided. Also, you were so busy making a living, you didn't know where half the accounts were and how to get statements for the financial affidavit.
Settle right and settle early –Are you kidding? First, you spend so much time with the paperwork; there isn't time to settle early…so insist on it. Make sure that your attorney has a plan to settle right and early; not just a marriage settlement agreement that is unrealistic. If your chosen attorney pushes back on settling right and early, get out of the contract. Of course you lose your retainer. So, make sure that you have it put in the agreement that you get X amount back if you are not happy with the performance.
I'm going to stretch this out for more billable hours –Attorneys seem to drag things out and find ways to avoid good, solid follow up with opposing counsel. Don't be surprised if you find yourself coming up with suggestions on being persuasive. Isn't that what an attorney is supposed to do…be persuasive?
In this state you are facing possible permanent alimony –What? That is crazy. She is able to work. Well, the courts will side with her. You're an attorney, isn't there a workaround?
Collaborative process option -If you have an uncontested divorce, try to work things out with limited use of an attorney. You and your soon-to-be-ex may agree on many aspects and settle. That uncontested divorce, with an attorney, could become exacerbated and turn into a contested deal. More billable hours.
