So many women email me wanting advice on how to get their husband's back. This is probably the number one request that I get. Understandably, these wives are anxious, confused, and want to take some action immediately. But, it can be hard to chose which way to go as making the wrong choice could make things even worse and could make it more difficult to save the marriage in the end. I understand this, because I experienced this myself a few years ago.
But, it's also important to understand that some of the actions which feel so right at the time can actually be the entirely wrong call and will only push your husband further away. In the following article, I'll discuss some things that can help you get your husband back and some things that usually backfire which you should avoid.
The Things That Probably Won't Help You Get Your Husband Back:It's so easy to allow the frustration and the anxiety to get the better of you. Things can feel so immediate and dire, that it can make perfect sense at the time to try to play hard ball or to take the other tactic and become subservient and make all sorts of promises and accommodations that give away your self respect.
However, any action that is going to elicit negative feelings in your husband or paint you in a desperate or unattractive light are probably only going to be counter to what you really want. This doesn't mean that you have to choke back how you really feel or not be honest. But, it's so important to always remember that if you want your husband back, you have to do a 180 degree turn so that he goes from seeing you negatively to seeing you positively.
The most common mistakes that I see are wives who try to "convince" their husband's that they're wrong, or try to endlessly debate with their husbands or engage him. Some even give ultimatums. Or, some women will promise their husband's that they will basically do anything if the husband stays. They'll bombard him with messages, leave letters for him, and basically make a pest of themselves so that their husband just starts avoiding them. Again, these things can feel appropriate at the time, but they aren't. Always try to take a few minutes to evaluate your actions before you take them.
The Tips That Work So Much Better To Get Your Husband Back:So, I've told you what you shouldn't do. And, I've alluded to the fact that you have to change your husband's perception from negative to positive. This seems simplistic. But, there's usually quite a bit involved. For one thing, the lines are communication are likely closing and you probably no longer have unlimited access from a person with an open mind and heart.
So, you'll need to come at him from another angle and try something entirely new. This usually means making very clear that you're going to immediately stop what hasn't been working. This isn't giving up or giving in. This is allowing yourself more access and more time. Basically, you need for your husband to understand that you're no longer going to nag, engage or participate in behaviors that drive you further apart. Make very clear that you understand that he wants out and you respect that, but that he is a very important person in your life and you owe it to yourself (and to him) to handle this with dignity and grace. Explain that there's no reason to make a bad situation worse by allowing your relationship to deteriorate even more.
Using Time As Your Friend Rather Than Your Enemy:So many women look at me very strangely when I tell them that time is actually their friend. They figure that the longer they are apart from their husbands, the harder it will be to reconcile. This isn't always the case, especially when you're bringing out negative emotions in him.
But, once the fireworks stop and you jump to his side, there's no longer any reason to avoid you. And, as you take things once day at a time and begin concentrating on just one positive interaction at a time, your husband is likely going to see the silence and the distance as a negative rather than a positive thing. It's very important that you make clear that you're going to take full advantage of this time and this break. Of course you want to save your marriage. You've already made that clear, but you also need to show that you respect yourself enough to take care of your own needs.
Here's the thing. You have to show him a person that he can miss. If you're ranting and raving or appearing unstable, he's just going to want to be free of all the drama. However, if you dress yourself up, go out with your friends, and remain and appear positive every time you see him, these things will leak back to him and he's going to wonder what in the world has changed you so drastically.
At this point, many men will start to come around just out of curiosity alone. And, unfortunately, this is where many women will mess up. They begin to get just a little attention again and they start to push for a commitment or information as to where things are going. It's so important that you remain light hearted, positive, and appear (and remain) in control.
Men are so much more attracted to positive, competent, confident women. Your best case scenario is for him to see and then remember the woman he first fell in love with. You know this woman very well. You look at her in the mirror every day. She is who you have to display – not the uncertain one, or the scared one, or the clingy one. He wants the one who used to look at him with loving eyes, who used to listen to him with open ears, and who always had a ready smile. Give her back to him, focus on creating positive interactions, and you've laid a decent foundation on which to build over time.
There was a time when I was sure that there was no way to get my husband back. I did not understand these tactics and I engaged, stalked, begged, and all of the rest. Eventually, I decided to change course and it was the best decision I ever made. You can read a very personal story on my blog at
