Jealousy is a popular subject in media and the arts. From the wicked Queen in Disney’s classic Snow White, to the disturbing 1987 movie hit, Fatal Attraction with “Alex’s” deathly obsession of “Dan,” to the repulsive character of “Gollum/Smeagol” in the Tolkien-tale-turnedmodern- cinematic-blockbuster, The Lord of the Rings, jealousy is rich fare for some of the best movies made. People consumed with an obsessive jealousy have often provided the core tension and served as the chief
Antagonist of entertaining (or should I say “chilling”) productions in film, theatre, and literature. Such melodramatic depictions often cause us to reflect on our own encounters with those tortured souls who have been frenzied with jealously. They can leave us wondering just how somebody can become so consumed with their own anger and envy cocktail. And the people-helper within us asks, “What can I do to help?” Realistically, the majority of counselors have never worked directly with an “Alex” whose jealousy is so potent it drives them to stalking, abject cruelty, and the endeavor to murder those deemed in the way of their desire. Severe Delusional Disorders, as we will discuss shortly, are more prevalent in the movies than they are in normal life.
Still, it is not unusual to encounter an individual whose extreme, unfounded jealousness has led to various psychotic behaviors that have, in multiple ways, produced “fatal” consequences. And with the estimate that one in seven people residing in the United States will at one point in their life seek help from a professional counselor, many of whom will be dealing with some level of mood, anxiety, or personality disorder, understanding the etiology of jealousy and the better treatment modalities for it are essential. Brenda is representative of people many of us see in private practice.
A bedazzled mother of two, Brenda came to therapy because she was convinced that her husband, Jack, was “cheating on her.” Her belief was based on typical dimestore novel evidence: “He works late, he doesn’t always answer his cell phone, he doesn’t tell me he loves me like he used to,” and the familiar, “I just know it.” Asked if she had confronted Jack, she tearfully says, “Yes, yes I have. Of course he says, ‘No’ and ‘I’m crazy,’ but I just know that he is lying; I ask him every day.
I plead with him to leave her and come back to me. He screams at me that he is not having an affair and that I need help. Don’t you see? His anger proves he is cheating on me. Just to please him, I came to see you. He thinks you’ll help me see that he is not unfaithful; I know you’ll prove I’m right.” Without going into all of the details, the truth of the matter was that Jack was being faithful, but Brenda had simply come to believe there was no way he could be. For her, however, this was a delusion; one created from her environmental factors. Her father cheated on her mother, her boyfriend cheated on her in college, a friend’s husband had cheated on her, so she just knew that Jack was cheating, too.
The lack of sexual and emotional intimacy that occurred as a result of having two toddlers and Jack having a new job had been converted to “there must be someone else.” So where is the fatal part of this scenario? Several things, but fortunately all of these “deaths” were curable. What died was any intimacy that Jack and Brenda had left. What died was trust on both sides. Ultimately, what died was the marriage. Brenda had moved to an emotional world that refused to let her see reality and consumed her every waking moment. What died was reality.
What is it that causes some people to become so engulfed in their envy and jealousy of others that they lose sight of “what is right” and even embark on a path that leads to pain, destruction, and even death? Even more, what can we do to help those who find themselves so obsessive that their entire world is imbalanced and in danger of destructing? Arguably the most famous story from the stage that portrays the power and destructiveness of consuming jealousy is Shakespeare’s tragedy, Othello. Manipulated by Iago, a jealous ensign who was passed over for promotion, Othello is led to believe that his new bride, Desdemona, is having an affair with his favorite lieutenant, Cassio, the man Othello promoted instead of Iago.
Through a series of coincidences, lies, and deliberate treasonous acts by Iago, Othello is ultimately ravaged by his own incessant jealousy and murders the innocent Desdemona. In true Shakespearean tragedy style, Desdemona’s senseless death leads to the death of others, including Othello’s own suicide. Jealousy begat jealousy begat death. So powerful is Shakespeare’s tale that the term “Othello Syndrome” has become widely recognized as a synonym for paranoia, conjugal paranoia, and even morbid jealously. It is similar to the “Clerambault Syndrome” in that it deals with the delusion of love. The Othello Syndrome applies to both males and females who become convinced that their lover is cheating on them, whereas Clerambault Syndrome specifically refers to a woman who lives in the delusion that a certain man is madly in love with her, when he is not.
Historically, of course, we that fits of jealous rage go back far beyond the stage and screen. The Scriptures are rich with examples. We do not get very far from the genesis of the human race when the first murder occurs—a murder born of invidious consumption. _“Then the Lord said to Cain, why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it. Now Cain said to his brother Abel, let’s go out to the field. And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him” Genesis 4:6-8 (NIV)_.
Cain is warned in a direct conversation with God that if he does “not do what is right” and deal with his jealousy, sin will have him. Consumed with jealousy, Cain chooses sin. Various theorists have sought to explain the origins of jealousy. Evolutionary psychologists arguing from an emotional-cognitive model see jealousy born out of a perceived threat to sexual relationships. Biological theories point to the possibility of neurological lesions associated with the temporal lobe and limbic systems. Social-cognitive theorists argue that jealousy emerges out of a self-perceived threat of losing something that is personally valuable. Further social theories argue that social isolation, abuse, and low self-esteem influence delusional episodes. Some psychological theorists even argue that jealously originated outside of the male/female sexual context and was instead first born in sibling rivalry1 (which we just saw to be true in the Cain and Able story).
In reality, the issues surrounding an Othello-type jealousy are so complex that it is impossible to come up with a simple explanation or a “one size fits all” theory. An “interactional” approach posits that a confluence of biological, psychological and social (and should we not add spiritual?) factors all come into play in this complex and confounding disorder. What is known, however, is the broad swath of destruction that occurs when consuming jealously infiltrates a relationship. And we know that the core of the problem is found in insecurity, a false reality, and the unwillingness—just like Cain—to do what is right. In the DSM-IV™, the concept of jealousy is found as a subtype in the psychotic disorders, specifically a Delusional Disorder (a group or range of conditions in which the primary or central feature of the conditions is the presence of delusions, which cannot be accorded to other symptomatology). According to the text definition, “jealous type” as a subtype of a Delusional Disorder “applies when the central theme of the person’s delusion is that his or her spouse or lover is unfaithful”2 Jealousy also arises as a criterion in some of the personality disorders, in particular a Paranoid Personality Disorder, defined again as unfounded suspicions of infidelity,3 and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, where it is more likely defined as a belief that “others” are jealous of “you.”4 Before we discuss certain treatment modalities for those struggling with various issues of fanatical jealousy, I would argue that there are other destructive forms of debilitating jealousy that are not wholly related to delusions of sexual unfaithfulness. In our consumer, material- affluent culture, personal insecurities and relational in authenticity can lead to other displays of jealous obsession. Drew represents one of these. From all appearances, Drew should have been enjoying life: six-figure income, supportive wife, two bright, healthy children, a nice home in the ‘burbs,’ and a leader in his church.
He had struggled with bouts of depression throughout his life, but through therapy, he uncovered most of the causal factors and with meds and healthy lifestyle choices, was able to function so those occasional melancholy states were not debilitating. Then, without anyone fully noticing at first, that all changed. One of Drew’s life-issues was seeing others through a constant lens of comparison. True, men often wrestle with issues of one-upsmanship, measuring themselves against others and hoping to find that they are “up” on more criteria than they are “down.” Drew’s lens was different. It was a struggle for him to see how he was “up” on anyone. If he made more money than someone, he would be envious of the fact that “they worked for a better company.” If his house was bigger, the other person was somehow “happier.” If they made more money, God was punishing him and blessing them. Even those who may be homeless, suffering from a terminal illness, or devastated by natural disaster simply passed across Drew’s radar like those situations didn’t exist.
Eventually, Drew was so consumed by jealousy that literally almost everyone he knew beyond an acquaintance level was subject to his internal jealous rage. He didn’t blame them, however. He blamed himself. His jealousy did not lead to fits of public fury, but rather to emotional isolation, clinical depression, rage at himself, and complete spiritual emptiness. God must have abandoned him—“there is no way I could deserve God’s love.” God must have chosen him for punishment‚—“look at all of the bad things I’ve done in my life.” The fatal altercation for Drew was death of his faith.
Havelock Ellis, in spite of the many disagreements we as believers would have with his teachings, described jealousy as “that dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive.” Obsessive jealousy ultimately destroys all relationships, though, as Ellis alluded, “it” does not see it that way.5 So how can we people-helpers actually help? First of all, we must realize that treatment for delusions is extremely difficult for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the denial by the patient as to what is “true.” Pharmacological treatments have limited effectiveness, as well. Furthermore, it can be difficult even establishing a therapeutic alliance since any seeming attempt to challenge the patient can be interpreted as a personal threat to their world. Still, because our God is a God of grace and healing, there is much we can do.
First of all, an environment of unconditional care must be established; this, of course, is not acceptable of harmful behaviors, but it does continue to fuel the notion that you care about them and therefore you want to help and not hurt. Obviously, personal and professional boundaries are very important as you work to develop this alliance. Next, a faith-based, cognitive restructuring approach may be launched. Lovingly helping patients discover the irrationality in their own thoughts is imperative. Family members may be needed to join certain sessions. Caution must be made not to appear that others are “ganging up” on the identified patient, but counselors can use their presence to facilitate the restructuring. For Christians, these cognitive approaches should include an assignment of regular meditation on Scriptures that speak of the steadfast, unfailing love of God. _Let the morning brings me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Psalm 143:8 (NIV)_
Furthermore, effort must be made to get them to see that if their behaviors and attitudes do not change, the probable result will be the death of their relationships. They must begin to understand that the thing they fear most will most likely occur if personal changes are not made. Goal-oriented therapy is also helpful, especially when specific behavioral changes are connected to the goals. Behaviors that include relaxation exercises, environmental alterations, and varying the patient’s routines that are supporting and fueling the jealousness are helpful. Most of those who are suffering from an Othello-type hold have developed routines that only increase their feelings of jealousy.
Finally, treatments must be consistent, diligent, and available for the long haul. Remember Drew? He was constantly searching for the magic pill or miracle prayer that would make all his struggles vanish instantaneously. He was told over and over that those do not exist. What he balked at was the daily exercises and weekly counseling appointments that were going to force change—that would make him work and take ownership. He liked counselors and even other Christians who simply listened and told him that they were praying for him; he didn’t like personal responsibility that required him to loosen his grip on the green-eyed monster. But that is what we all must do.
Proverbs asks, “Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?” (Proverbs 27:4, NIV). James writes, “For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing” (James 3:16, NASB). Jealousy is an incredibly destructive and disruptive power, fatally destroying relationships, individuals, and even lives. Paradoxically, in the right hands, it is the power that protects us, for the Lord, our God “is a consuming fire, a jealous God” (Deuteronomy 4:24, NAS). Our jealousy is destructive; God’s jealousy is protective. Our obsessive jealousies lead to death. God’s caring jealousies lead to life. Unlike Adam and Eve—and their offspring, Cain—we must remember who is God… and who is not. Take help from telephone counselor .
_Tim Alan Gardner, LMHC, is a speaker, teacher, counselor, and the author of The Naked Soul: God’s Amazing, Everyday Solution to Loneliness and Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage. He serves as the director of The Marriage Institute, a research, education and consulting company working to strengthen marriage and family relationships and is a Senior Consultant with Chorus, Inc., a consulting firm specializing in leadership development._ Endnotes 1 For a more detailed discussion of psychological theories regarding the origins of jealousy, see “The Evolution of Jealousy,” by Christine Harris, Ph.D., in the American Scientist, Volume 92, 2004. 2 American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fourth Edition (Text Revision), APA: Washington, DC: 2000, p. 325. 3 DSM-IV-TR: p. 694. 4 DSM-IV-TR, p. 717. 5 Havelock Ellis, Havelock Ellis on Life and Sex: Essays on Love and Virtue, Garden City Publishing Co., 1937.
