Fundamentals of Divorce Mediation

Going through a divorce is a turbulent process. Anger, pain and other potent emotions can linger for a long time. The mind-set of being rejected can be carried over into future relationships. For many couples going through a divorce, the part of the proceedings that affect them both most deeply is the loss of self-esteem. Empathy, respect and compassion are frequently replaced by mean spirited thoughts of fear and anger by divorcer and divorcee alike and both find themselves forsaking the values that have been most important to them in the past to deal with the situation at hand. People who used to truly love each other will resort to the worst forms of pettiness in order to hurt their soon-to-be former spouse. Revenge takes the place of consideration. Conversations that used to be civil, explode with anger.When the principles we use to view each other as human fall by the wayside, it results in personal self-esteem and respect for both the self and the other decaying as well.

Mediation is a way for divorcing couples to preserve their compassion for each other, dignity and self respect while going through this difficult process. A traditional divorce is a facing off of adversaries, often causing damage to any future communication between the parties, becoming expensive and raising the levels of hostility even further. Many couples find that even if their original intentions are for the best, the antagonistic nature of divorce procedures tend to worsen matters by making mountains out of mole hills and taking up the ever important resources of time and money. Many people feel so dragged through the mud after their divorce that they have lost track of their inner values. Some may find no alternative, but other couples can avoid this scenario while ending their marriage.

What alternatives does a divorce mediator provide? A trained mediator, who probably specializes in divorce, will help guide the couple through the processes and help them through the major issues of separation of property, finances, children, etc. to come up with a reasonable contract between both parties. The job of the divorce mediator is to see both sides of the story and help both people understand all of the ramifications of their decisions, legal, monetary, mental and emotional for all involved, including any children. The mediator is trained to remained unbiased throughout the process and will not condemn either side for their motivations or reasons in decision making or parting ways. The point of divorce mediation is to reduce ill will, build a new communication and help the divorcing couple maintain feelings of respect and even caring towards each other and their families. A divorce can now be a mutually agreed upon situation instead of being associated with loss of dignity and a cause of distress.

By having their divorce mediated, couples are able to decide between themselves the conditions of how and when their divorce will occur. Divorce mediation pays attention to reaching an agreement and achieving a goal as well as limiting the amount of time spent. This process is not meant to save or improve a marriage, that is the purview of marriage counseling, nor does it assist divorcing couples in making decisions, as in arbitration. The purpose of divorce mediation is to give guidance and create an environment in which divorcing couples feel they can arrive at an accord on the many bones of contention their divorce can bring about, to put the agreements on paper and help begin the motions toward each person's future.

What is the difference between mediation and the traditional system? The standard method of divorce is for each spouse to hire an attorney, then hide behind that representative while they take over the process. These lawyers are paid to iron out the details between themselves, then charge more time to communicate the results to their respective clients. This oppositional process increases the level of anxiety and stress for those involved, as well as imposing hefty legal fees on one or both parties. If things cannot be worked out by the lawyers between the divorcing couple, a judge will make the decisions for everyone. This can cause long delays, further litigation, and delay the divorce for months, even years. The individual's privacy can also be compromised and the disputed assets are depleted by legal fees which would otherwise be shared out between the divorcing couple or put towards providing for any children of the marriage.

Mediation provides a chance for the couple to work with each other with the assistance of the trained mediator to reach a compromise for every aspect of their divorce, including parenting time, child support and division of property. By remaining impartial, the mediator is able to expedite the settlement by helping determine the decisive issues, explore all possible solutions and offering advice on everything that should or might be included in the final agreement.

Mediation is a more economical choice for dealing with divorce. The price difference between the traditional method of each person hiring an attorney and a couple using a mediator can be as great as 134 percent according to some studies. These same studies have shown that mediated divorces result in less hostility, each person feeling more gratified with the end product, and that the couple are more likely to abide by the agreements they make during the mediation sessions.

Emotions are recognized in mediation.  A major distinction of mediation is allowing the acknowledgment of each person's emotions without letting them get in the way of arriving at decisions and drawing up a final contract. Frequently the traditional and contentious approach tosses fuel onto the fire of the pain for both people, causing attention to be diverted from things that they do agree upon to only the things that they don't. By permitting the expression of the most common feelings, fear, resentment, and rejection in a safe and detached environment, in the presence of a trained professional who is able to handle and interpret these emotions and still avoid an exacerbation of the current conflict to derail the process. Providing this environment distinguishes mediation from standard methods of divorce above all else.

Conflict-resolution practices, including mediation, are long standing methods of resolving problems even if they haven't been used for divorce or family law for very long. Going through the mediation process serves divorcing couples by determining the underlying and important decisions to be made, yet still encouraging communication, self-respect, and understanding. So many lives are affected by a divorce, not just those of the couple immediately involved, that remembering to be compassionate, respectful, and that we are all human can help everyone accept the outcome and move forward in a healthy manner.