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I am often asked how long it will take to get over a narcissist. Grieving the loss of a relationship with a narcissist is not the same as one with a healthy well-adjusted adult. The process has many stages and can only be understood by those who have been through it.
In a typical breakup, we grieve the loss of love, the pain of saying goodbye, the sadness of something wonderful ending, broken promises and halted dreams.
When grieving a narcissist, this pain is compounded by the reality that this person never loved you. He put on an act for a deliberate purpose: to seduce and control you. And it was for a specific reason: to ensure you would be present to stroke his ego and cater to his needs.
You realize he is not who you thought he was at all. Not even close. There is no resemblance between this selfish, controlling man and the man you fell in love with years ago. You know, that caring and compassionate man you thought understood you like no one else. Unfortunately, that man does not exist. He never did.
You must also try to understand how you went from being idealized and put on a pedestal to being completely devalued and discarded. You can’t do anything right and nothing you do is good enough. You must accept the fact that you were not an object of love to this person, but a mere source of Narcissistic Supply to feed his ego; nothing more, but certainly nothing less.
The only closure you can possibly hope for in a relationship with a narcissist is the knowledge that this person is permanently disordered and disturbed. You must accept him for who he is and all his limitations or you must move on and create a new life for yourself.
I believe we must create a new life for ourselves. We owe it to ourselves. Life is short and this is it. This is not a dress rehearsal. This is life. Live it and embrace it. We must live in the moment and be honest with ourselves at all times. We deserve real, genuine love. Believe it or not, there are people out there who are capable of it.
It takes a very long time to get over a narcissist. Please be patient with yourself, and by all means, allow yourself to mourn him. Do not rush into a new relationship in an attempt to avoid the pain. Deal with it now so you can move on.
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