There is very little training available for coping with death or help for dealing with grief. We come into this world with very little and we leave on the same terms, but along the way we become richer in what we learn, who we love and the memories that we store. Our loved ones share in our development, success, failures; loves, losses and their memories of times with us build along life's journey.
So when we depart, it is those fond memories we leave behind for others to remember, and if that can be our focus during periods of grief, then grieving can be a positive emotion instead of a memory of loss.
Life provides no preparation for the loss of a fond soul and we usually don't know what to expect until we experience a major loss and begin to suffer the consequences.
When we grieve we can experience all kinds of sensations. Some feel the impacts physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The important thing to remember is not to be afraid to grieve. In denial some try to put their grief aside and "get over it," but this only delays the healing process, as it is thought that there are three distinct phases of grief.
Shock and Denial
This is usually the first reaction to death. A feeling of numbness, disbelief that a loved one has gone, when we temporarily enter into a world of unreality, but during this phase we gradually adjust our minds to begin to accept the loss.
This is a very difficult time, we find ourselves in a state of constant grief and unbearable pain. We swing back and forth between believing the loss has happened and denying the possibility that it has. It is very important that you allow yourself the time to adjust to the loss and to come to terms with it as part of coping with grief - This phase can last for several weeks.
Turmoil and Disorganization
Our world enters in to a state of not coping and complete turmoil, we are experiencing grief at the loss of a loved one and at the same time we are trying to adjust to what we perceive as an empty world without that person in it. This phase can be very testing for us and those around us as they watch and try to support us. We can become extremely intensely focused upon the reality of our loss, but at the same time we will try almost anything to escape it.
Our body can enter a phase of total exhaustion and extreme emotion, and the grieving person will often experience mood swings, which can be dramatic and hurtful for those around us. Normal emotions during this phase can include anger, extreme sadness, depression, despair and jealousy towards others who haven't suffered the same loss.
This phase develops, allowing people begin to understand all the implications of the loss and start to rebuild their life – This phase can be a case one step forward and two steps back and can last a year or more before it concludes.
Recovery
The recovery phase is a time that is also referred to as the acceptance or reorganization phase. The period of total chaos and turmoil eases as we move to a point of new balance. Life moves on with fond memories, but without the intense emotions of grief that were experiencing earlier. We become aware that the physical signs of their grief are beginning to fade and we feel more able to cope with life in a positive way and are much less exhausted than we once were.
The pain of the loss remains, but the unbearable intensity of it recedes, and we begin to rebuild our lives and experience hope again. Life seems possible again, new focuses develop, life's routines adapt and our ability to interact without that feeling of constant heartache subsides. Love, laughter and new memories will never replace old ones and they shouldn't as these are held in a special place in our heart, but space is created to develop new ones and we should never feel guilty about allowing a new life to begin.
