If you've seen any amount of television or movies in your lifetime, you know how Hollywood depicts the typical parent-teen relationship. Usually mom and dad are the village idiots and the teenagers are disrespectful, sullen and withdrawn. Well, before your relationship gets to this point, remember that the dreaded teen years actually don't have to be the dreaded teen years. That's simply another myth we've been groomed to accept with a shrug of our shoulders and a cluck of our tongues. "This is normal, my teenager hates me like every other teenager hates their parents." If this is your attitude before you reach the teen years, then unless you change your thinking, you'll be circling the same tired old drain every other distraught parent is circling, wondering where you went wrong. The first hint is: you believed the bad press. Don't.
Our best weapon is to prepare in advance while our child is young, knowing the teenage years are coming. It's actually not as hard as you think to keep open the lines of communication, and to foster healthy and thriving relationships with our child (or children: I have several). With consistent effort and determination, we can actually look forward to the teenage years. In reviewing my own relationship with my teenager, I've come up with a recipe of five "ingredients" that parents can use to develop a thriving relationship with their teenagers. This isn't exactly a "how-to," but rather a thought-provoking look at changing our thinking as parents to create an environment of healthy relating and communicating. Let's face it: nobody wants to raise a sullen, angry teenager who avoids his or her parents. If that's your parenting goal, then return to your sofa, Tweet Deck, Facebook or fishin' hole: I'm wasting your "me time." Otherwise, read on.
5 Keys To A Closer Relationship With Your Teen
1. 2 Ears, 1 Mouth
2. Mirror, mirror: expect what you give.
3. If you're going to fight, be on their side.
4. What does the evidence show?
5. Admit you're wrong.
Remember, this isn't a step-by-step, but rather is a digested form of what I've learned in raising a teenager. Just to tip my hand a little bit here, I am not the perfect parent, far from it. However, I do enjoy my teenage daughter, and I see in her plenty of hope ahead. I'm sharing this information with you because I have found these 5 keys helpful in guiding my thinking and it's working so far. The only things you have to lose are the right to give up on your child(ren), and any handy excuses you may keep up your sleeve for lazy parenting. Let's look closer at those 5 keys to a closer relationship with your teen.
1. 2 Ears, 1 Mouth
This is pretty self-evident. Listen at least twice as much as you speak. This holds especially true as you raise a family. Try to recall a time when you were in a situation of being put in your place by an authority at work, home or school. As you were lambasted, were you receptive? Were your ears open when you were being belittled? It is hard to gain much traction with anyone, especially your teenager, when your mouth is open and your ears are shut. If you don't take the time to listen to what your teenager has to say, you are cutting off future hope for open communication. When you speak, you want your teen to listen. You're saying, "Listen to what I have to say because it is most important."
When you listen, however, you're sending the opposite message. "I really want to know what you think, what you have to say is important." When you listen to them, you're really making inroads to peaceful communication, even if you don't want to hear them out. Ask them probing, open-ended questions, and be a safe parent to talk to. Nobody wants to be vulnerable and honest if cruelty and sarcasm are the reward. If you find yourself in a constant monologue, then your teenager is already tuning you out. Be deliberate in making them a part of the conversation. Ask questions then sit back andlisten to their reply.
Another element to listening is that you absolutely must become adept at "listening" to their body language. If you catch an eye roll or a sigh, it doesn't mean you should react by threatening them with punishment for the disrespect, rather, just listen. Bite your tongue for a moment and ask yourself why did your teenager just sigh? What's behind that? Ask a non-threatening follow-up question and draw them out. The real trick is to avoid responding at every single nuance: listen. Become a student of your teenager, and in a quiet moment ask them what's bothering them.
2. Mirror, mirror: expect what you give.
Our children are living barometers of hypocrisy. If they hear you screaming, "Don't talk to me that way!" or something equally hypocritical, then expect what you're putting out. The difficulty of parenting is to practice what you preach. Do you want them to keep clean rooms? How's yours doing? Do you expect them to have a civil tongue? Do you treat them with the respect you demand, or do you cut them down with sarcasm? Here's another way of looking at it: if you see your children behaving badly in a certain way, ask yourself how you modeled that for them in the first place.
There is a more probing side to this ingredient, and it involves knowing the people in your child's life that have influence over them. It can be anyone: a celebrity, another peer, a coach or teacher. If you have a legitimate concern (they're all legitimate when it's your child), and there is some behavioral change in your child, be involved and find out as much as you can. Have a frank discussion with your teen, and be sure that you ask yourself the first hard question: is it me? Model the type of person you want your child to be, and be sure as much as possible to have your child around other positive role models. Teenagers are searching for someone to identify with.
3. If you're going to fight, be on their side.
There are times when the teen years seem like a never-ending boxing match, round after round. I've personally found myself in the heat of the moment with my daughter, realizing that I really needed to just back off. I see it in my daughter's body language, even if she's telling me that nothing's wrong. The sobering realization is that she often sees me as her enemy. That's usually when I remember I'm her dad.
I ask myself how I can turn things around and argue on her behalf, so we're on the same side. It's when I remember that this is my daughter, my first born child, and not some enemy soldier that I'm talking to, that the conversation can do a complete 180 degree turn. I'll say something disarming, like, "Look, I'm upset with you because I expect you to be more patient with your little brother: he's only nine. You're so much better than this, and he's Curious George. I understand where you're coming from, though: he drives me crazy sometimes, too." I try to empathize with the pressure she's under at school, with the extra responsibilities of being a teenager, and the like. There's a reason why your teenager is upset, and often it may be that your teen's simply tired! With all of the hormonal and physical growing and change happening, it's no wonder. Another way to think of this would be to put as much effort on building them up as you do in tearing them down. Do that long enough, and they'll get the message: you aren't enemies, you're in this together.
4. What does the evidence show?
When you're in the middle of an argument with your teen, just look into your child's eyes and what do you see? Fear? Distrust? Anger? Impatience? Ask yourself why that is, and if you're like me, you'll get the bitter reality: the evidence simply shows up on their face. I'm not always the spitting image of "Dad of the Year," I'm more like "Tired Cranky Pants of the Year," or "Hypocrite of the Year," or any number of other hard realities. If I were on trial for my parenting, what would the evidence show? Would I be applauded for a job well done, or would the jury convict me of being an insensitive jerk?
The evidence shows up in my daughter's body language and overall attitude. Learn to weigh the evidence on their behalf. Put yourself in your teen's shoes, or simply ask what he or she thinks of what you're doing, and take mental notes. Sometimes we simply need to swallow our parental "rights" and take a hard look at what we're doing and where we're headed with our teen. When you learn something you didn't like learning about yourself: make it a goal to change. Give your teenager more reasons to know you love him or her by explaining your plan and putting it in practice. Your reward will be in a changed relationship as you make sure the evidence trail underscores your child's value to you. Children thrive in knowing they're loved. Give them the evidence to convict you of being a caring, loving parent.
5. Admit it: you're wrong, too!
I think this is the hardest, most backward thing I can suggest to any parent, but it has been so well-received in my own experience that I have to share it: admit to your children when you've been wrong. If I have messed up somehow, I'll go to my teenager immediately and admit my wrong. Sometimes, as parents, we think we have to put on a strong front and appear we have all the answers. This isn't so: admitting our own faults inspires the same in them, and models a spirit of humility that will go a long way into building up trust.
In conclusion, I want to encourage you parents to enjoy this time in your teen's life: you have the potential to be an example of hope, direction, a source of wisdom. Far from worrying about the daunting task of parenting, look at it as the most rewarding challenge you've faced. Be there when the chips are down, love your child through this time, and most importantly: enjoy them. They'll see the difference if they can sense you enjoy and value them as real people, not as distractions from your true priorities. Do what it takes to show your teen that you genuinely enjoy them, and it will make all the difference in the world.
