You have dealt with the pain and confusion of your divorce and have decided to start dating again. Perhaps you have already met someone who you love spending time with, or perhaps you are just eyeing the available candidates and sizing them up. Before you get in too deep with someone new, take the time to consider how well you stand up for yourself in relationships.
Understanding Boundaries
Boundaries are lines that separate acceptable behaviors from those that are unacceptable. These lines are different for everyone and one person can have weaker boundaries with regards to one type of behavior than they do for others. This is why some people find it difficult to set and respect boundaries in relationships. Each couple has to determine what those boundaries are with each another and learn to respect them.
When you set clear boundaries with others regarding what you will and will not accept, you can express yourself freely and easily say "no" when it is appropriate. You don't worry about the other person getting mad at you for not agreeing with them and you don't change your mind or undervalue your own opinions and ideas just to appease your partner.
Without boundaries, you lose the respect and trust that you and your partner should have in one another. This is especially true if you have trouble asserting yourself in the relationship and tend to just go along with the other person. This will hold the relationship back as you aren't sharing yourself fully and will always be unhappy in the relationship.
Defining your own boundaries isn't straightforward, since they can be different in relationships depending on the person you are with and their own boundaries, behaviors, and beliefs. Yet, there are some boundaries that reflect things you expect from a partner and will not settle without.
For instance, you may want a partner who speaks to you with kindness and who values your opinions. Someone who talks down to you or screams would be crossing a boundary that you will not tolerate. Everyone has those boundaries and guidelines of what they are looking for in a mate, it's a matter of learning to stand up for yourself and clearly express what you will not accept.
Standing Your Ground
What you do when a boundary is crossed depends on how long the relationship has been going on and how you feel about this person. If they cross a boundary that has not been previously discussed, you need to sit them down and let them know that they have crossed a line that you can't live with in the future. They may apologize and work hard to respect that boundary in the future, or it could be a part of their personality that they really cannot change. You will then need to decide if the issue is a deal breaker, and if it is, you may be faced with the decision of having to walk away from the relationship.
This is the difficult part of setting boundaries in a relationship. If you have difficulty standing up for yourself and asserting those boundaries , ask yourself if there is some deep-seated fear of being alone or if perhaps you don't feel "good enough" to demand better treatment. Whatever it is, uncover it and then work to overcome it. You do deserve to be treated with love, tenderness, and kindness, and that means having your boundaries respected.
