I receive a lot of letters from wives who have either been served with divorce papers or who strongly suspect that this in their very near future. And, most of them don't want to move forward and end their marriages. However, they also know that, as things stand now, this isn't looking as likely as they would have hoped. Most times, it's very apparent that changing this course of events and saving the marriage is going to lie with these wives, because the husband has checked out and seems to be moving away and preparing to start over.
I often hear comments like "is there any way that I can keep him from divorcing me?" Or, "what strategies can I use to stall this or to keep the divorce from moving forward and from actually happening?" I don't answer these questions from a legal standpoint. I really don't have any expertise or knowledge of this area. This is best left to the attorneys. However, I do have some personal experience with this and I can offer you a strategic point of view that focuses on improving the relationship so that the husband ultimately changes his mind about divorcing you. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Taking A Somewhat Cooperative Versus A Combative Stand When Faced With The Threat Of Divorce:Admittedly, I don't know much about the legal strategies that people will sometimes employ to stop or stall a divorce. But I can say from my observations with this that any strategy that puts you on opposing sides and makes him perceive that you are trying to keep him from being happy and from getting what he wants is certainly a risky one.
Anytime that you contribute to him seeing you as someone or something trying to thwart him, then you run the risk of him digging in his heels even more and being even more determined to divorce you as soon as possible because he just doesn't want to deal with the drama any longer than he has to. In short, rather than contributing to him thinking that maybe he was wrong in his perceptions about you and the marriage, he might be thinking "man, I'm glad I put the divorce in motion when I did. I want to get out of here as soon as possible."
A way around many of these pitfalls is to change strategies from one of being combative to being on his side. You want for him to eventually see that the both of you want precisely the same thing. Many men will tell me that filing for divorce was their way of removing themselves from a situation which he felt would never change in an attempt to be more happy in his life.
So, he needs to know that you too want for both of you to be happy and to not live in a situation that is going to cause the opposite of this. Also, it really helps dramatically if he knows that you respect his ability to understand what is going on and then to act. If you tell him that he's wrong, being selfish, expects too much, or is just too stupid to see what is right in front of him, then he is going to resent this and retreat even further. This just makes your ultimate goal (making him change his mind about the divorce) harder to reach.
The better strategy is often to admit that you concede that things haven't been so great and that you regret that you're both not as happy as you could be. And, since you want for this to change, you support him taking whatever time he needs to sort this out. No, you don't need to pretend to be on board with the divorce. There's nothing wrong with letting him know that this hurts you and you wish things were different. But, your focus should be on improving the relationship and making him think that you're on his side so that he doesn't completely limit your access to him.
Focusing On A Shared Goal And Showing Him The Woman He Likely Wants Back (Even If He Doesn't Know It:)It's optimal if you can try to focus on a shared goal. Most of the time, it's going to be having a positive relationship during this process so that this isn't harder than it needs to be for the two of you and for your children if you have them. Most people will agree to this as there's no need to make things harder than they already are. This is usually the foundation upon which you will try to build. This is so important because it's one thing on which the two of you can focus together.
While this is happening, you will want to always be aware of how you are presenting yourself and how you are being perceived. In order to save your marriage, you have a lot of ground to gain. It will typically start when your husband begins to perceive you, and therefore the situation, differently. Part of that is usually his belief that the women he fell in love with is no longer present or has become someone else.
You have to show him that he is wrong in this thinking. But, this usually can't be done with force. It must be gradual and natural. You want to try to keep things light hearted and somewhat playful. Tell a joke or two. Show him you at your best. It's so important to remember that people are attracted to others that make them feel positively about themselves. Really listen. Really pick up on his signals. Appear busy and confident even if this just isn't true.
Try to remember that desperate, scared, angry, and women who are lashing out are generally not perceived as attractive. But, women who are coping as best as they can, want the best for everyone, and who are confident and competent will generally receive a better response. Remember how well you know this man. You know his likes and dislikes when it comes to you. This doesn't mean that you have to be insincere and fake, but there's nothing wrong with showing him more of what he perceives as attractive and less of what he doesn't.
When my husband initiated a divorce, I did not understand these principles and I went about saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog at / .
