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If you ask married couples what would be the most difficult challenge a couple would face, they'll probably tell you "getting over an affair" . Counselors are approached all the times by couples wanting advice on how to save their marriage after a spouse has had an affair. The answer is complex, and both partners in the couple are going to have "homework" to do before the damage caused by an affair can begin to heal. For the spouse that did the cheating, they're going to have to put aside their feelings for the person they cheatedwith. If they've already done that, they're going to have to forgive themselves. Yes, they did something horrible; however, if they don't get past their guilt and self-loathing, they're not going to be able to move out of the negative and into the positive. They shouldn't deny what they've done, or the seriousness of it, but accepting responsibility doesn't mean wallowing in self-pity and blame. For the spouse that was cheated on, you need to grieve. The pain that you've been hit with is undeniable, and you need time to feel it and process it before you can begin to heal. Sublimating the hurt will only insure that it's going to rear its head again, bringing doubts and mistrust, probably at the worst possible time. Acknowledge the pain and accept that something in your life is terribly damaged. Allow yourself to feel the grief that acknowledgement will bring. Don't feel that you need to conform to someone else's time table in this, either. Grieve on your own schedule, not someone else's. Be sure that you know everything you need to know about the affair. If you want to know as little as possible, that's ok. If you want to know everything, that's ok, too. However, be aware that the most important thing the cheated on partner needs to know is "what are you going to do to convince me that this is never, ever going to happen again" and "why did you cheat in the first place? How can we fix that problem?" Be sure that you let your partner know precisely what you need from them. If you don't communicate, you can't work together, and you're going to have to work together to heal this breech. You need to know where they are all the time? Tell them. You need to know that they're fully invested in this marriage? Tell them. Don't expect that they know what you need. You're going to have to do a lot of talking about a lot of things that you're not going to want to hear - but that you need to hear. When all that talking is done, make the effort to spend quality, positive time with each other. Don't let the affair become the elephant in the room. Get it out, air it, examine it, learn from it - and move on past it. Acknowledge what you both have learned, and then use that knowledge to make your marriage stronger than it ever was. Getting over an affair is hard work, but it is absolutely possible. If both parties are committed to healing the damage, your marriage can come back stronger than ever.
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