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If counselors had a dime for every time they were asked that question, they'd be wealthy beyond imagining. It's understandable, though, why folks want the answer. They want to know how long they're going to go on hurting. They want to know how long it's going to take to get their marriage "fixed" . Unfortunately, the answer isn't an easy one. The thing is, trying to impose a time limit on your recovery can do more harm than good. There is no "outline" for healing, and you may find that your healing doesn't even take a straight line. There are going to be good days and bad days, steps forward and steps back, and you need to understand that that's ALL perfectly normal. However, don't let the bad days drag you down in a mire of negativity, where you might be tempted to give up, or "get even". Focus on the positive. Take some time to figure you exactly what you need to get over the affair, and then say it clearly and calmly. Ask for what you need. If you need your husband to be in constant contact, then tell him so. Don't hold back your feelings and try and choke them into submission. Be sure that you're heard, and that you're truly understood. It's ok to be a little selfish here; you're stating the requirements for your healing and your marriage's recovery, and there's nothing that's more important right now. Holding back on voicing your feelings and needs can lead to resentment, and then you're going to end up in another mess. Sit down with your spouse and figure out why, exactly, the affair happened. This is probably going to be painful, but it needs to be addressed. Healthy marriages aren't hit with affairs, and if your spouse cheated, there must have been a reason. Find out what needs they had that weren't getting met, and take steps to mend that lack. If they need counseling, support them in that. Look at the affair as a symptom, not as the disease. However, do not allow yourself to take the blame for the affair. Whatever reasons your spouse had for cheating, ultimately, the affair was a choice. They chose to cheat, and they need to take responsibility for that mistake. When you begin to get your needs met, you will begin to recover from the affair, and not before. The trust that was fractured takes time to rebuild, and there is no shortcut to marital recovery. Concentrate on rebuilding that trust, on opening communication, and on restoring your shattered self-esteem, and you will get over the affair. It takes time, and sometimes it takes baby steps, but you can end up on the other side of this mess with a stronger, more vital marriage.
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