Very few people who find my blog are happily married or are totally fine with their divorce or separation. Most of my readers are either having real problems in their marriages or are newly separated / contemplating a divorce but are not at all happy about this. They want to save their marriages but they aren't sure if this is even a possibility and they don't want to get their hopes up for fear or rejection or disappointment. The other day, someone wrote to me and asked how she could appear attractive to her husband (although they were separated) because she very much wanted him back. I'll share with you what I told her in the following article.
Game Playing, Desperation, And Negative Emotions Are Not Attractive To Separated Or Non Invested Husbands:Before I tell you how to put your best foot forward, I first want to share with you what absolutely does not work for most men. Once the reality of the separation or break hits you, it's absolutely normal to feel panicked and frightened. Every one goes through this.
But, if you want your husband back, you can't allow for these emotions to drive your actions. Many wives are sure that they must do something, anything, to get their husband's attention and to lure him back home. They will try many things to accomplish this. Some try the sugary sweet, seductive approach. Others want his pity or his guilt. Still others will lash out and become combative, feeling that starting a fight is at least going to get a reaction.
But, all of these tactics share the same fatal flaw. They all elicit negative feelings in your husband. Whether he's feeling guilt, anger, or frustration, he's still not liking what he's feeling when he thinks of or interacts with you. This must change if you want to save your marriage.
If your husband wants distance so much that he's willing to contemplate separating, then you must give him that distance. If you don't, then he's only going to pull further away in a desperate attempt to get what he's after. You will actually get this process over with much more quickly (and painlessly) if you go with the grain whether than against it. If everything is always a fight or battle, then he's no longer going to line up to interact you.
The Delicate Dance That You Must Get Right:Often when I tell people about the things that I've mentioned above, some will say something like "OK, I see. You want me to try to opposite tactic. You want me to play hard to get, or pretend that I don't care, or try to make him jealous?" No, that's not really it, either. Because this too, is an act that is a bit too hard to believe that often won't come off as sincere. It will read as "ploy" or "plot" and he will only ignore this drama too.
To really be successful (and to appear attractive), you have to participate in what I call a delicate dance. You should remain clear that you want to save your marriage and don't want the break. But, you also must portray a woman who has a quiet, dignified confidence that she is going to be OK no matter what life throws at her. And no, you don't want to go out with other people or try to make him jealous. I believe that doing this will only encourage him to do the same (which you absolutely do not want.) However, you do want to leave him wistful and wondering just what's going with you.
To that end, you want to allude to the fact that you think that the break just might be a good thing, that you're going to use this opportunity to take a step back, evaluate your life, and remove yourself from the stress. So, you want him to know that you're going out, you're seeing your friends, you're enjoying yourself, but you'd rather be doing these things with him. However, you can handle yourself just fine since this is not happening.
Knowing What He Loves About You:Once you're successful in lowering the tension level and he's no longer avoiding you, you'll want to really focus on the things that made him fall in love with you. You want him to almost get a sense of deja vu when you're around. People will often tell me that this is a lot to ask. Their heart is breaking and yet I'm telling them to portray themselves as lighthearted, open, and alluring. I understand this. But, I'm truly not asking you to be anyone else but who you already are (and always were.)
The truth is, our spouses often see in us what we can not see in ourselves. And I'm not necessarily talking about appearance (although you should look your best.) There was a spark or light in you that he saw and was drawn to. You emitted it – no one else. But, because of every day life and it's pressures that light has been dimming, for both of you. (And you're both guilty of this – him too.) That light is often the reflection of two people who have fun and are comfortable together. That's been lost. You must get it back. He must feel happier with you than without you.
He's not going to be able to do this until you are able to share some pleasurable, light hearted exchanges where you are both having fun. Leave the talks about your marital problems for another time. This can wait until you're back on solid ground and will be more effective then anyway. Right now, your only goal is to really think about and pinpoint the qualities that he misses the most and to show them to him during the times when you're together (which you need to let him initiate.) This in turn will create those shared experiences that I've been harping on. These shared experiences are what built a strong base on which you will rebuild, little by little.
Eventually, he will want to spend more time together and less apart, as he realizes that he made a premature mistake.
There was a time when I was absolutely sure that my separation would lead to a divorce. I was doing and saying the wrong things and it was getting me nowhere fast. Eventually, I decided to change tactics and slowly but surely, it worked. You can read my very personal story on my blog at /
