A few years ago I happened to pass by my boyfriend's phone when it was ringing and I saw a girl's name appear on the screen. At 11pm. I then realised how often he took his phone with him into the bathroom or how he got text messages without spontaneously telling me who they were from. It was a painful period, and of course it turned out he had another girl in his life… Now they live together and I'm happy in my love life, but it still hurts when I'm thinking of it. The fighting, worrying, wondering. The lies.
Me and the guy broke up and moved on, but sometimes infidelity is just an interruption in an otherwise happy relationship. It's most times hard or impossible to justify or understand, but if the life you have together is larger than a drunken incident or a moment of inhibitions, you might give love a chance.
Some advice, if you want to save your marriage or relationship, are:
-Cheating is external:See the cheating as a big black demon coming into your relationship. It doesn't matter who was responsible for the act; both of you are hurt and damaged; one is feeling betrayed and the other ashamed. But the problem is best treated if it's seen as something outside of the relationship that both of you have to fight off, move on from and leave it behind.
-No blame game:If you don't see the cheating as a shared problem, the post cheating phase can easily turn into a blame game where you play “victim and criminal”. If you keep on dwelling the past, you will be trapped in the negative emotions and memories. If you spend your time and energy finding ways to be happy from now on, it will be easier to move on.
-How to move on?This means it is important that you don't try to find answers or explanations for what happened if there are no rational reasons. Human beings are not always acting smart and we don't always act according to our values. Sometimes we get carried away and loose control. Only look at the answer to the question “why did it happen?” if you also answer “How can we prevent it from happening again? Accept that the dark demon came in to your life and that you want a brighter future. The good guys win.
-A new promise:Trust is the key to move on. You need to promise each other that you want to be together full on. You want to love and be loved. You want to be a team - strong and happy together. Tell your partner what you like about your relationship and listen to them. Trust doesn't come from “I will never do this again”, but from “I want to love YOU and create a good life together”. Cheating and infidelity is very selfish. It can't be justified. The cheater hurts other people, and if you have children you betray them too. But if you and your spouse seriously want to fix things between you, you seriously have to let go of the past. Create a new contract between you. Sit down, hug and kiss, and make promises and plans around these areas:
- What will make you feel loved?
- How can I make you happy?
- What can I do in my life or my own personal development to make our relationship happier?
- Can we spend more time together, give more compliments, have more sex, go out more with friends etc…?
As a love coach I prefer to give you some more questions, rather than giving advice. The best advice comes from within you. When you are aware of your feelings and understand the situation, you will know what to do.
- Can I choose to trust my loved one?
- What do I need (words, promises, attitude, new routines) to be able to trust my partner?
- Can I get that?
- If I can't get it, can I still trust?
- What does my partner need from me to feel happy in the relationship?
Bitterness and grief is a choice. Happiness and moving on is another. It's up to you. Yes, it is that easy.
More on:
